[He thinks it's best he announces his presence rather than simply making himself at home at her table like he normally might. Once Yennefer's eyes lift from the book in front of her, Jaskier holds his hands up, palms facing her to be on the safe side. Because he doesn't anticipate Yennefer to be pleased to see him. In fact, he's anticipating the opposite and stays at his respectful distance as though it would somehow make a difference if she really wanted to lash out at him.]
I know I'm the last person you want to see. [He says it matter-of-fact rather than out of self-pity. After the things he said to Yennefer, he wouldn't want to see him either.] I'm just asking for five minutes—three if you're feeling understandably less charitable—and then if you want to slap me again, throw me into a bookshelf, or turn me into... [Jaskier shakes his head a little with a wave of his hand.] I don't know, a flea or something, that's fine. Can't promise I'll accept it with any semblance of dignity, [he says with a small, weak smile,] but I'll accept it.
[Jaskier doesn't bother with asking her to hear him out. She's really under no obligation to do any such thing if she doesn't want to, but he also feels that's priming for an excuse to be made when that's not his intention in coming here. If anything, it's the exact opposite of what he wants to do. Jaskier's had a lot of time to stew in his anger since he last saw Yennefer and in doing so, also think about it, too. He knows he was wrong. He's known for a long time he was wrong. But it was hard at first to let go of that feeling of justification in the wake of Yennefer's returned venom and that slap to the face. And then it was a challenge to even conceive how to apologize to her in a way that she could hear because... Well, he knew Yennefer's own harsh words and accusations and that slap to the face were because of just how far over the line Jaskier went, how deeply he managed to pick at and wound her. It's also not so much their habit to apologize to one another. Not so directly anyway.]
[But Jaskier knows it's what Yennefer deserves. This isn't something he could ever conceivably make up for by returning to her side, acting as though nothing ever even happened, and plying her with gifts. Even if Yennefer might have a preference for that as he suspects she might, Jaskier firmly believes she deserves better than that. He needs to do better than that.]
And here I thought your were done. Wouldn't darken my door anymore.
(is it cruel to throw his words back to him right now? a little. does she do it anyways? yes. yennefer is not an easy person to hurt and she would never admit that jaskier hurt her, but he did. he saw her more clearly than even geralt does sometimes in that moment and went for the jugular. he wasn't the first to do it, and he won't be the last -- but he is one of the first to apologize about it. or offer to, anyways.)
Three. And you'd make a better fly than flee, annoyingly flitting about as you do.
(that's about the best response he's going to get from her. he had the right to be angry, even now she recognizes that given her role, but tech made his own choices and she won't be blamed for them anymore than she'll be blamed for shitgaard.
nice as gifts are, they're fleeting. words mean things, they both know that. they get under your skin and become a part of you. many of the worst scars yennefer carries, other than the obvious ones on her wrists, come from words.)
[There's more bite to Yennefer's words than has been there in a while, but Jaskier doesn't protest it. He doesn't label it as unfair or unwarranted and doesn't make any barbs of his own, not even light ones that possess no bite to them whatsoever. Instead, he walks over and pulls out the chair across from her, moving it to the end of the table to sit opposite her on a corner of the library table rather than on the other side.]
Well then, I won't waste time saying what this is about, [he says, sitting down. He rests his nearest forearm on the edge of the table but stays mindful of her space otherwise. Jaskier fidgets with his fingers, but is otherwise remarkably still as he speaks.] I'll cut to the chase and just say I'm sorry. What I said to you...
[There's a crease in his brow a moment and Jaskier looks down. It's not so much out of shame—though there is still a healthy amount of that sitting within him—as it is he doesn't know how exactly to qualify it. The words that come to him all seem to fall short. He lifts his gaze again to her.]
If it were possible to take any of it back, I would. You didn't do anything wrong and even if you had, [Jaskier shakes his head slightly,] you didn't deserve any of that. [He looks back down, this time at his hand. Jaskier forces himself to stop rubbing the circles against his fingertips, making a light fist before bringing the hand into his lap and moving more fully back into his own space. His jaw tenses for just a brief second or two before he says,] Unfortunately, you were right. Tech made his own choices, but it's easier to be angry with you than with him. Because it felt a little like...
[This time he only glances at Yennefer because there is visible hurt there. Not for anything that Yennefer has said or done, but because of that choice. It's not a vulnerability he particularly wants to display to her in general given their history, but especially not right now. So, he draws a breath, reining it back in as best he can so he can look at her again and stifling back the urge to say how much it felt like history repeating itself.]
He loves you, Yennefer. [Realizing how that sounds, Jaskier shakes his head and quickly clarifies,] Not in the way he loves Ava or loves me, but he loves you. And I was wrong to tell you that you don't deserve that from him. No matter how much I wish it hadn't come at this cost... That's not something that's in question. And I should have never told you otherwise.
So, I'm sorry. For all the cruel and terrible things I said to you and for being angry with you when you didn't deserve it. That's all I wanted to say. Just try to warn me before you start sticking needles in that effigy of me, yeah?
[And with no expectation that she would forgive him for any of it, frankly. Jaskier could hardly blame her if she wasn't ready or able to right now. Or possibly ever for that matter. He can't imagine Yennefer isn't well-versed in holding grudges and what he said would certainly merit a firm one.]
(there are a lot of things yennefer could say. she could point out she knows what he's alluding to, the last person who chose her over him, but things with him and geralt seem complicated enough these days without her meddling. really between the three of them there are a lot of messes to account for.
she could soothe him and promise she's not performing dark magic on him yet. she doesn't do that either. she's quiet, letting her thoughts roll around her head. she's quiet until she's not.)
You know, you're not the first to say as much to me -- not specifically with tech, but the general gist of being undeserving is something I've heard many times before, mostly from people I had cared about. I heard worse from the ones I didn't care about. I am a difficult woman. I am not easy to love. But even when you hated me, and I did try to kill you, so I never begrudged you that hatred, you were never cruel.
[Jaskier doesn't say or do anything to try and fill in the quiet as Yennefer considers everything.]
I know.
[And much like during Yennefer's quiet, Jaskier doesn't say or do anything further. He's not going to make any sort of excuses or provide reasons for why he was so out of sorts and why it was so easy for him to be that way towards her. It somewhat defeats the purpose of apologizing if he goes looking for anything to justify it and Yennefer also isn't stupid. She knows he was that terrible combination of angry, hurt, and drunk, and wanting to feel anything but that. So, mentioning it also feels like it would be an insult to her intelligence. Jaskier also isn't going to say he's sorry over and over and over again. He doesn't think it will help for him to repeat it. Much like providing reasons and possible excuses, it feels like it would... It would make it seem like he's scrambling to find the best way to make her let it go and move on rather than actually acknowledging her feelings and that he hadn't any right to hurt them that deeply.]
[So, those two quiet words are all he says. Otherwise, the floor remains hers and he intends to listen. Regardless of what she has to say, if her words turn cruel in return, he'll listen. Because he said he'd accept what comes next and he meant it.]
(she doesn't say the words i forgive you, because they wouldn't be true and while she is excellent at selling a lie jaskier has always annoyingly seen through her shit. beyond that...she doesn't want to lie to him. it's that simple. or so she tells herself.
instead she sighs as if he is being just annoying sitting there quietly.)
Well, if you're going to stay, you might as well make yourself useful. I've been trying to ready some potions for when he returns.
(little does she know a lot of them might not survive...what's to come, but it's easier to fall back into ordering him around then forgive him, and it feels better than thinks tearing into him would, tempting as that is. with yennefer it is often about what she is not saying as much as what she is. she is choosing to try to trust you again, bard. don't fuck it up.)
[Jaskier hesitates a moment because he'd fully anticipated Yennefer to send him away. That wasn't any sort of lack of credit that he was attempting to give her in terms of her capacity to forgive (or work towards forgiving, in any case) so much as just an acknowledgment that Yennefer wasn't the sort of person who tended to trust with any particular sort of ease. And with the fractures he put in her trust in him... Well, he just assumed she'd need a little more time before she'd be willing to let him try to be worthy of that trust again.]
What do you need me to do?
[Normally, Jaskier might offer some form of complaint at the prospect of being ordered around like that. He usually did, frequently implying there were better things he could be doing with his time or lodging a complaint or twenty about the lack of a please or thank you and other such basic standards of etiquette when asking someone to do something for you. But instead, Jaskier is eager to make himself useful. He perks up, sitting a little straighter in his seat and there's a smile in his eyes that he's barely containing. He wants that second chance she's offering him, but he's... Well, he's missed this. He's missed her. And he knows he can't say that because it was his own fuck-up that even got them there in the first place, but it doesn't make the feeling any less true. Doesn't make it slip out any less in how that earlier stillness seems to be rapidly being abandoned in favor of a restless fidget.]
[Honestly, he could hug her right now. If he wasn't so certain he'd end up with two stumps or broken arms, he probably would. So, as it is, Jaskier just contents himself with being bossed around for now.]
(if she gives herself more time, she'll never let him try again. she'll convince herself it's too risky, too dangerous. she'll build up those walls even further then she had them before. she knows this because she has done it so many times. it is something she and tech have in common, how many times their trust has been let down, how thickly the walls go, how lonely it feels behind them. she had pushed tech away, physically and violently when he tried to comfort her in the library. he knew what she was doing. she thinks if he were here, he'd understand why she has to try with the bard before she convinces herself it's not an option.)
Find me Moonstone, if you can. It's said to be a beacon of light when things are hopeless.
(and maybe tech won't feel hopeless when he gets out, but he might need some light anyways. and is she giving jaskier a challenge in the process? maybe just a little. he was the magpie, after all)
yesss let's charge those energies or whatever it is you do with shiny rocks
[Whether Jaskier expects or wants a list is a little up for debate for even Jaskier. Regardless of which it is though, Jaskier pulls a phone from his pocket that Yennefer will no doubt recognize as not being standard issue for Penance and perhaps arrive at the correct conclusion it was a gift from Tech. She might assume it to be recent given that Jaskier's never had it out around Yennefer before, but it's not. Its purpose has simply just been somewhat limited and private, so there was never any particular need to bring it out in front of anyone. But like with all electronics, especially this one which came so directly from Tech, its use brings about a small amount of worship for Tech and gives him a little bit of strength. So, at least for now, Jaskier's been making far more use of it than he otherwise would while Tech's away. As small of a thing as it is to do in the grand scheme of things, it's still something he can do to help him from afar.]
[So, rather than physically writing anything down as would be Jaskier's tendency and continued preference, he actually makes some use out of the notes app that Tech has been consistently and constantly suggesting for his songwriting. That's not exactly something Jaskier can quite do—there's still something too impersonal about it to him relative to writing it all down that he can't quite make that happen—but this list? Perfect fit for it as far as he's concerned.]
How big do you need? [he asks, glancing up at her as he types.] Same as the jasper or bigger?
[Because if it's too much bigger than that, Yennefer may need to lower her expectations a little or be prepared to receive multiple moonstones to compensate. Jaskier had a hard enough time finding the jasper that he had never mind looking for a useful rock bigger than that. Multiples seemed far more likely.]
they do whatever i want tbh witchers magic has no points and the rules don't matter
Same size as the Jasper. Several of them would be preffeable.
(smaller rocks are much easier to grind down for her potions to infuse them. she notices the device in jaskier's hand -- how could she not? It's a curious thing -- different from the phone she was given and she doesn't know what to make of it.)
Hm? [Jaskier lifts his gaze as he's adding to the note about the size and the request for several. It takes a brief second before he connects what she's asking about. Gesturing slightly with the phone, he says,] Oh, this? He gifted it to me a couple of months ago. He, uh...
[Jaskier hesitates a moment on offering an explanation. It's not so much because he's embarrassed about why he was given the phone as it is he's never had to provide any explanation for it to anyone until now. And he's perhaps acutely aware that the first person he's having to explain it to is Yennefer of all people. He doesn't anticipate she shall poke fun at it or even offer genuine criticisms. As jagged and sharp as Yennefer's edges are, Jaskier doesn't believe her to be immune to sentimentality or that desire to hold onto something that meant so much to her once. It's just a little...strange and unanticipated to have her be the first if there was ever to be anyone.]
Well, we don't have any delusions of being together like this forever. [Jaskier's fairly confident Yennefer understands his meaning when he doesn't clarify that he doesn't mean love fading or breaking between them. As much as that might linger as a possibility, it's significantly smaller next to being from separate worlds or the simple fact of Jaskier's mortality. It's not so much fatalistic fixation that they will one day part ways as it is just refusing to bury one's head in the sand about it.] So, he asked me if I would record something for him every day. The phone's connected to him, but he isn't looking at any of it now. He won't until...
[Jaskier gestures with a hand for you know because he can't guess what exactly it will be and there's really no succinct way of saying it. Not in a way that Jaskier wants to right now with Tech so far away and how anxious he is every time Tech is a little late on making his nightly phone call.]
I'm trying to use it a bit more than that though while he's away. The way Tech explained it to me, anytime anyone uses devices like this for any reason, it's a form of worship. It keeps him strong.
[Jaskier hesitates a lot less to add that piece of information relative to the phone's original intention because... Well, he thinks if Yennefer is going through with all this trouble of making Tech potions for when he returns, she might want to know how to help Tech a little more directly now, too. It probably won't make whatever she's feeling in Tech's absence all better—it sure as hell isn't for Jaskier—but it might make ease some of it knowing she can do something without having to grasp at straws or guess.]
Well good, it means you aren't completely stupid. (together forever makes for nice stories but it isn't real. people die, even other immortals. every time geralt goes on a contract, he could die. she has to be ready for that. nothing is forever. she would never say it out loud but that, to yen, is the blessing and curse of love, it's always a risk. there is no way to game it. and she has tried.
until. so much is said in that one word and she feels it in her stomach.)
It seems I'll have to bother using my device more then.
(because while he said it in the cruelest way possible jaskier wasn't wrong, tech was where he was because of her. she owes him this. she owes him more. he said she didn't and yet....)
Not completely, no, [he says, faintly when Yennefer deems him not completely stupid. There isn't a hint of offense—feigned or otherwise—in his tone or expression.]
[The smile is brief, but it's there for just a moment. He almost thinks to offer her a way of making it perhaps a little easier for her by suggesting she can flood his device with as many messages as she wants. He was actually in a fairly regular habit of consistently texting with Tech when they weren't together, so it's not something Jaskier is all that unaccustomed to doing at this point. But Jaskier holds back because letting him stay isn't quite the same thing as wanting his presence in her life. That much at least. It feels too much too soon.]
I could tell him to call you, [he says instead.] If you wanted to talk to him, that is. I, ah... I understand if you don't. Want that. [Because it is complicated to say the least.] And that's fine if you don't. He just calls me more or less every night. So, I can ask him to try calling you at some point if he's up for it when we talk again. If you wanted...that...
[Jaskier chooses not to elaborate the reasons why the nightly phone calls. He says nothing of the memory test that Tech has Jaskier do with him each night and the way Tech's answers to it have started faltering lately where it's beginning to take longer to remember the three words from the night before. And Jaskier sure as hell is not elaborating on that promise he alluded to that night he tore into Yennefer over Tech's absence. Doing so would be a betrayal of the promise Jaskier made to Yennefer about sharing anything related to the future. So, letting her think it's nothing more than two lovers seeking whatever presence and comfort they can from one another during this separation is good enough because it's not the full truth, but it's certainly not a lie.]
(the most she ever used her device was when she and tech were discussing their findings during her quest. it was utilitarian. she's the one person tech has not text spammed. but if it would help him...then she could do that.
but talking to tech....she doesn't know what she would say. what words would feel appropriate or enough. maybe that makes her cowardly. it wouldn't be the first time. not even someone like yennefer of vengerberg is brave all the time. and it is easier to be brave when it comes to telling off assholes then being vulnerable. geralt had called her on that in that cursed tunnel of love that she still very much wants to burn down. a little sad really that hell had to trick a love confession out of her. )
I think...you're probably more what he needs right now that I am.
(someone kind. someone soft. someone who lets themselves be soft and tender even with all that comes with it. perhaps that's why his words had hurt more than most would -- that night jaskier had sharpened his empathy into a sword and stabbed her with it. she has not forgiven him yet, her forgiveness never comes so easily, but that doesn't mean she can't still recognize his objective strengths.)
Well, you, uh... change your mind, let me know, yeah?
[Because Jaskier could try to convince her. He doesn't really believe that Tech needs anything in particular beyond just knowing that he has friends and people who are thinking about him, waiting for him to get back. But at the same time, he knows that if he were in Yennefer's shoes, it would be difficult to do. And there's nothing in that that Jaskier finds to be cowardly or a mark of a poor character. He's never really known Yennefer to be particularly soft save one exception. And that was...different to say the least. Very different. From this circumstance. From even the two of them. Not trusting his own gaze at that thought, Jaskier glances elsewhere from Yennefer for a brief moment because like fucking hell he needs one wrong, reflexive glance to create any further complications right now. Especially when the point is there really is no fault on her part for not being up to speaking with Tech right now. Offering comfort really isn't her forte and that's fine. Her ability to problem-solve more than compensates for that. It's ultimately just more important, he thinks, that she just knows the opportunity is there and if she changes her mind, Jaskier will do what he needs to in order to set it up.]
[Which he's told her. So.]
[So...]
What, um— What else do you want me to look for? Can't imagine it's just moonstones.
(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
[Insults against his intelligence tend to needle at Jaskier a bit more than some others because if there's one thing he's never cared to be perceived as it's stupid. Foolish is fine. Lazy even isn't altogether that bad either. But stupid? Oh, that gets to him. He was always the child who never particularly cared if he was accused of being lazy or foolish, but the moment a teacher implied he was too stupid to learn, it was on and Jaskier immediately rose to the challenge of proving himself to be otherwise. But he knows Yennefer is still angry and he knows he doesn't have her forgiveness, so he tolerates the bite behind her words as best he can. He's not quite as well-versed as Yennefer when it comes to schooling his expression though and there's a little slip in the way his brow knits itself together just a little. Jaskier also keeps his eyes trained on his phone while he adds the other ingredients she's looking for to his list.]
Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
[Jaskier adds chamomile and mint to the list without questioning it, though he does make a note regarding the mint not being strictly necessary relative to the other ingredients. Not that he will put less effort into it, but he will put forth more of his efforts into the others in that case and save that one for last. It's actually the fresh water that gives Jaskier a little more pause and he finally looks up from his phone, plainly confused.]
Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
[It only takes a moment to consider her smile and refer back to what he knows of the meaning behind flowers—of which he knows far more than the average both by virtue of being a bard always seeking out the poetic meaning behind things and the simple fact Jaskier was not a name chosen at random—before they strike their mark. At another time, under different circumstances, he might have bristled and shot back another flower like a snapdragon to reflect deceit since she'd made it so clear that night that she felt his friendship a falsehood. But as it is Jaskier's blood runs cold instead. As much as he does not anticipate having Yennefer's forgiveness anytime soon if ever, he didn't expect to have her hurt so quickly weaponized against him like this.]
[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
[Yennefer's response throws Jaskier for a moment given how it doesn't align with his question at all and yet doesn't seem illogical. It's after that moment of additional thought and her expanding upon it that Jaskier realizes Yennefer peered into his mind. Jaskier's gaze finally lifts then before he sits back upright not so much offended that she looked, but the whiplash that comes with her being so casually cruel one moment and the next sharing something so vulnerable while declaring that she doesn't wish him to suffer. And so, he doesn't crack a smile even as she attempts to inject a little levity into it by the end. Instead, he sits there silently for another moment or two.]
What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
[Jaskier purses his lips because he's uncertain what to say. As relieved as he is that Yennefer is willing enough to be forthright and say exactly what she's feeling right now, it's not often Yennefer's way. Not unless it's an expression of anger and while there's some of that intermingled throughout, Jaskier knows that's not the only thing she's expressing. Saying she was hurt isn't just anger. Saying she missed him isn't just anger.]
[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a handful of days before g man starts raining fire on everyone's heads
[He thinks it's best he announces his presence rather than simply making himself at home at her table like he normally might. Once Yennefer's eyes lift from the book in front of her, Jaskier holds his hands up, palms facing her to be on the safe side. Because he doesn't anticipate Yennefer to be pleased to see him. In fact, he's anticipating the opposite and stays at his respectful distance as though it would somehow make a difference if she really wanted to lash out at him.]
I know I'm the last person you want to see. [He says it matter-of-fact rather than out of self-pity. After the things he said to Yennefer, he wouldn't want to see him either.] I'm just asking for five minutes—three if you're feeling understandably less charitable—and then if you want to slap me again, throw me into a bookshelf, or turn me into... [Jaskier shakes his head a little with a wave of his hand.] I don't know, a flea or something, that's fine. Can't promise I'll accept it with any semblance of dignity, [he says with a small, weak smile,] but I'll accept it.
[Jaskier doesn't bother with asking her to hear him out. She's really under no obligation to do any such thing if she doesn't want to, but he also feels that's priming for an excuse to be made when that's not his intention in coming here. If anything, it's the exact opposite of what he wants to do. Jaskier's had a lot of time to stew in his anger since he last saw Yennefer and in doing so, also think about it, too. He knows he was wrong. He's known for a long time he was wrong. But it was hard at first to let go of that feeling of justification in the wake of Yennefer's returned venom and that slap to the face. And then it was a challenge to even conceive how to apologize to her in a way that she could hear because... Well, he knew Yennefer's own harsh words and accusations and that slap to the face were because of just how far over the line Jaskier went, how deeply he managed to pick at and wound her. It's also not so much their habit to apologize to one another. Not so directly anyway.]
[But Jaskier knows it's what Yennefer deserves. This isn't something he could ever conceivably make up for by returning to her side, acting as though nothing ever even happened, and plying her with gifts. Even if Yennefer might have a preference for that as he suspects she might, Jaskier firmly believes she deserves better than that. He needs to do better than that.]
cw: very light reference to suicide scars
And here I thought your were done. Wouldn't darken my door anymore.
(is it cruel to throw his words back to him right now? a little. does she do it anyways? yes. yennefer is not an easy person to hurt and she would never admit that jaskier hurt her, but he did. he saw her more clearly than even geralt does sometimes in that moment and went for the jugular. he wasn't the first to do it, and he won't be the last -- but he is one of the first to apologize about it. or offer to, anyways.)
Three. And you'd make a better fly than flee, annoyingly flitting about as you do.
(that's about the best response he's going to get from her. he had the right to be angry, even now she recognizes that given her role, but tech made his own choices and she won't be blamed for them anymore than she'll be blamed for shitgaard.
nice as gifts are, they're fleeting. words mean things, they both know that. they get under your skin and become a part of you. many of the worst scars yennefer carries, other than the obvious ones on her wrists, come from words.)
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Well then, I won't waste time saying what this is about, [he says, sitting down. He rests his nearest forearm on the edge of the table but stays mindful of her space otherwise. Jaskier fidgets with his fingers, but is otherwise remarkably still as he speaks.] I'll cut to the chase and just say I'm sorry. What I said to you...
[There's a crease in his brow a moment and Jaskier looks down. It's not so much out of shame—though there is still a healthy amount of that sitting within him—as it is he doesn't know how exactly to qualify it. The words that come to him all seem to fall short. He lifts his gaze again to her.]
If it were possible to take any of it back, I would. You didn't do anything wrong and even if you had, [Jaskier shakes his head slightly,] you didn't deserve any of that. [He looks back down, this time at his hand. Jaskier forces himself to stop rubbing the circles against his fingertips, making a light fist before bringing the hand into his lap and moving more fully back into his own space. His jaw tenses for just a brief second or two before he says,] Unfortunately, you were right. Tech made his own choices, but it's easier to be angry with you than with him. Because it felt a little like...
[This time he only glances at Yennefer because there is visible hurt there. Not for anything that Yennefer has said or done, but because of that choice. It's not a vulnerability he particularly wants to display to her in general given their history, but especially not right now. So, he draws a breath, reining it back in as best he can so he can look at her again and stifling back the urge to say how much it felt like history repeating itself.]
He loves you, Yennefer. [Realizing how that sounds, Jaskier shakes his head and quickly clarifies,] Not in the way he loves Ava or loves me, but he loves you. And I was wrong to tell you that you don't deserve that from him. No matter how much I wish it hadn't come at this cost... That's not something that's in question. And I should have never told you otherwise.
So, I'm sorry. For all the cruel and terrible things I said to you and for being angry with you when you didn't deserve it. That's all I wanted to say. Just try to warn me before you start sticking needles in that effigy of me, yeah?
[And with no expectation that she would forgive him for any of it, frankly. Jaskier could hardly blame her if she wasn't ready or able to right now. Or possibly ever for that matter. He can't imagine Yennefer isn't well-versed in holding grudges and what he said would certainly merit a firm one.]
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(there are a lot of things yennefer could say. she could point out she knows what he's alluding to, the last person who chose her over him, but things with him and geralt seem complicated enough these days without her meddling. really between the three of them there are a lot of messes to account for.
she could soothe him and promise she's not performing dark magic on him yet. she doesn't do that either. she's quiet, letting her thoughts roll around her head. she's quiet until she's not.)
You know, you're not the first to say as much to me -- not specifically with tech, but the general gist of being undeserving is something I've heard many times before, mostly from people I had cared about. I heard worse from the ones I didn't care about. I am a difficult woman. I am not easy to love. But even when you hated me, and I did try to kill you, so I never begrudged you that hatred, you were never cruel.
Until now.
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I know.
[And much like during Yennefer's quiet, Jaskier doesn't say or do anything further. He's not going to make any sort of excuses or provide reasons for why he was so out of sorts and why it was so easy for him to be that way towards her. It somewhat defeats the purpose of apologizing if he goes looking for anything to justify it and Yennefer also isn't stupid. She knows he was that terrible combination of angry, hurt, and drunk, and wanting to feel anything but that. So, mentioning it also feels like it would be an insult to her intelligence. Jaskier also isn't going to say he's sorry over and over and over again. He doesn't think it will help for him to repeat it. Much like providing reasons and possible excuses, it feels like it would... It would make it seem like he's scrambling to find the best way to make her let it go and move on rather than actually acknowledging her feelings and that he hadn't any right to hurt them that deeply.]
[So, those two quiet words are all he says. Otherwise, the floor remains hers and he intends to listen. Regardless of what she has to say, if her words turn cruel in return, he'll listen. Because he said he'd accept what comes next and he meant it.]
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(she doesn't say the words i forgive you, because they wouldn't be true and while she is excellent at selling a lie jaskier has always annoyingly seen through her shit. beyond that...she doesn't want to lie to him. it's that simple. or so she tells herself.
instead she sighs as if he is being just annoying sitting there quietly.)
Well, if you're going to stay, you might as well make yourself useful. I've been trying to ready some potions for when he returns.
(little does she know a lot of them might not survive...what's to come, but it's easier to fall back into ordering him around then forgive him, and it feels better than thinks tearing into him would, tempting as that is. with yennefer it is often about what she is not saying as much as what she is. she is choosing to try to trust you again, bard. don't fuck it up.)
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What do you need me to do?
[Normally, Jaskier might offer some form of complaint at the prospect of being ordered around like that. He usually did, frequently implying there were better things he could be doing with his time or lodging a complaint or twenty about the lack of a please or thank you and other such basic standards of etiquette when asking someone to do something for you. But instead, Jaskier is eager to make himself useful. He perks up, sitting a little straighter in his seat and there's a smile in his eyes that he's barely containing. He wants that second chance she's offering him, but he's... Well, he's missed this. He's missed her. And he knows he can't say that because it was his own fuck-up that even got them there in the first place, but it doesn't make the feeling any less true. Doesn't make it slip out any less in how that earlier stillness seems to be rapidly being abandoned in favor of a restless fidget.]
[Honestly, he could hug her right now. If he wasn't so certain he'd end up with two stumps or broken arms, he probably would. So, as it is, Jaskier just contents himself with being bossed around for now.]
making crystal bullshit work to my favors
(if she gives herself more time, she'll never let him try again. she'll convince herself it's too risky, too dangerous. she'll build up those walls even further then she had them before. she knows this because she has done it so many times. it is something she and tech have in common, how many times their trust has been let down, how thickly the walls go, how lonely it feels behind them. she had pushed tech away, physically and violently when he tried to comfort her in the library. he knew what she was doing. she thinks if he were here, he'd understand why she has to try with the bard before she convinces herself it's not an option.)
Find me Moonstone, if you can. It's said to be a beacon of light when things are hopeless.
(and maybe tech won't feel hopeless when he gets out, but he might need some light anyways. and is she giving jaskier a challenge in the process? maybe just a little. he was the magpie, after all)
yesss let's charge those energies or whatever it is you do with shiny rocks
[So, rather than physically writing anything down as would be Jaskier's tendency and continued preference, he actually makes some use out of the notes app that Tech has been consistently and constantly suggesting for his songwriting. That's not exactly something Jaskier can quite do—there's still something too impersonal about it to him relative to writing it all down that he can't quite make that happen—but this list? Perfect fit for it as far as he's concerned.]
How big do you need? [he asks, glancing up at her as he types.] Same as the jasper or bigger?
[Because if it's too much bigger than that, Yennefer may need to lower her expectations a little or be prepared to receive multiple moonstones to compensate. Jaskier had a hard enough time finding the jasper that he had never mind looking for a useful rock bigger than that. Multiples seemed far more likely.]
they do whatever i want tbh witchers magic has no points and the rules don't matter
Same size as the Jasper. Several of them would be preffeable.
(smaller rocks are much easier to grind down for her potions to infuse them. she notices the device in jaskier's hand -- how could she not? It's a curious thing -- different from the phone she was given and she doesn't know what to make of it.)
Was that a gift from him? Before he left?
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[Jaskier hesitates a moment on offering an explanation. It's not so much because he's embarrassed about why he was given the phone as it is he's never had to provide any explanation for it to anyone until now. And he's perhaps acutely aware that the first person he's having to explain it to is Yennefer of all people. He doesn't anticipate she shall poke fun at it or even offer genuine criticisms. As jagged and sharp as Yennefer's edges are, Jaskier doesn't believe her to be immune to sentimentality or that desire to hold onto something that meant so much to her once. It's just a little...strange and unanticipated to have her be the first if there was ever to be anyone.]
Well, we don't have any delusions of being together like this forever. [Jaskier's fairly confident Yennefer understands his meaning when he doesn't clarify that he doesn't mean love fading or breaking between them. As much as that might linger as a possibility, it's significantly smaller next to being from separate worlds or the simple fact of Jaskier's mortality. It's not so much fatalistic fixation that they will one day part ways as it is just refusing to bury one's head in the sand about it.] So, he asked me if I would record something for him every day. The phone's connected to him, but he isn't looking at any of it now. He won't until...
[Jaskier gestures with a hand for you know because he can't guess what exactly it will be and there's really no succinct way of saying it. Not in a way that Jaskier wants to right now with Tech so far away and how anxious he is every time Tech is a little late on making his nightly phone call.]
I'm trying to use it a bit more than that though while he's away. The way Tech explained it to me, anytime anyone uses devices like this for any reason, it's a form of worship. It keeps him strong.
[Jaskier hesitates a lot less to add that piece of information relative to the phone's original intention because... Well, he thinks if Yennefer is going through with all this trouble of making Tech potions for when he returns, she might want to know how to help Tech a little more directly now, too. It probably won't make whatever she's feeling in Tech's absence all better—it sure as hell isn't for Jaskier—but it might make ease some of it knowing she can do something without having to grasp at straws or guess.]
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Well good, it means you aren't completely stupid. (together forever makes for nice stories but it isn't real. people die, even other immortals. every time geralt goes on a contract, he could die. she has to be ready for that. nothing is forever. she would never say it out loud but that, to yen, is the blessing and curse of love, it's always a risk. there is no way to game it. and she has tried.
until. so much is said in that one word and she feels it in her stomach.)
It seems I'll have to bother using my device more then.
(because while he said it in the cruelest way possible jaskier wasn't wrong, tech was where he was because of her. she owes him this. she owes him more. he said she didn't and yet....)
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[The smile is brief, but it's there for just a moment. He almost thinks to offer her a way of making it perhaps a little easier for her by suggesting she can flood his device with as many messages as she wants. He was actually in a fairly regular habit of consistently texting with Tech when they weren't together, so it's not something Jaskier is all that unaccustomed to doing at this point. But Jaskier holds back because letting him stay isn't quite the same thing as wanting his presence in her life. That much at least. It feels too much too soon.]
I could tell him to call you, [he says instead.] If you wanted to talk to him, that is. I, ah... I understand if you don't. Want that. [Because it is complicated to say the least.] And that's fine if you don't. He just calls me more or less every night. So, I can ask him to try calling you at some point if he's up for it when we talk again. If you wanted...that...
[Jaskier chooses not to elaborate the reasons why the nightly phone calls. He says nothing of the memory test that Tech has Jaskier do with him each night and the way Tech's answers to it have started faltering lately where it's beginning to take longer to remember the three words from the night before. And Jaskier sure as hell is not elaborating on that promise he alluded to that night he tore into Yennefer over Tech's absence. Doing so would be a betrayal of the promise Jaskier made to Yennefer about sharing anything related to the future. So, letting her think it's nothing more than two lovers seeking whatever presence and comfort they can from one another during this separation is good enough because it's not the full truth, but it's certainly not a lie.]
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(the most she ever used her device was when she and tech were discussing their findings during her quest. it was utilitarian. she's the one person tech has not text spammed. but if it would help him...then she could do that.
but talking to tech....she doesn't know what she would say. what words would feel appropriate or enough. maybe that makes her cowardly. it wouldn't be the first time. not even someone like yennefer of vengerberg is brave all the time. and it is easier to be brave when it comes to telling off assholes then being vulnerable. geralt had called her on that in that cursed tunnel of love that she still very much wants to burn down. a little sad really that hell had to trick a love confession out of her. )
I think...you're probably more what he needs right now that I am.
(someone kind. someone soft. someone who lets themselves be soft and tender even with all that comes with it. perhaps that's why his words had hurt more than most would -- that night jaskier had sharpened his empathy into a sword and stabbed her with it. she has not forgiven him yet, her forgiveness never comes so easily, but that doesn't mean she can't still recognize his objective strengths.)
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[Because Jaskier could try to convince her. He doesn't really believe that Tech needs anything in particular beyond just knowing that he has friends and people who are thinking about him, waiting for him to get back. But at the same time, he knows that if he were in Yennefer's shoes, it would be difficult to do. And there's nothing in that that Jaskier finds to be cowardly or a mark of a poor character. He's never really known Yennefer to be particularly soft save one exception. And that was...different to say the least. Very different. From this circumstance. From even the two of them. Not trusting his own gaze at that thought, Jaskier glances elsewhere from Yennefer for a brief moment because like fucking hell he needs one wrong, reflexive glance to create any further complications right now. Especially when the point is there really is no fault on her part for not being up to speaking with Tech right now. Offering comfort really isn't her forte and that's fine. Her ability to problem-solve more than compensates for that. It's ultimately just more important, he thinks, that she just knows the opportunity is there and if she changes her mind, Jaskier will do what he needs to in order to set it up.]
[Which he's told her. So.]
[So...]
What, um— What else do you want me to look for? Can't imagine it's just moonstones.
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Of course it isn't, don't be daft.
(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
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Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
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I'm running low.
(is she actually running low or just giving him things to fetch? it's hard to know for certain. )
If you can find any fresh mint that would also be useful, but not completely necessary.
(to help cut any nausea he might encure too. she would of course increase all the properties with her magic. but she also needs a base.)
Some fresh water, as well.
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Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
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That's as fresh as it gets here, so yes.
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
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[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
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It's not that simple.
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
(she's just saying.)
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What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
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I don't know!
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
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[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
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