(she doesn't say the words i forgive you, because they wouldn't be true and while she is excellent at selling a lie jaskier has always annoyingly seen through her shit. beyond that...she doesn't want to lie to him. it's that simple. or so she tells herself.
instead she sighs as if he is being just annoying sitting there quietly.)
Well, if you're going to stay, you might as well make yourself useful. I've been trying to ready some potions for when he returns.
(little does she know a lot of them might not survive...what's to come, but it's easier to fall back into ordering him around then forgive him, and it feels better than thinks tearing into him would, tempting as that is. with yennefer it is often about what she is not saying as much as what she is. she is choosing to try to trust you again, bard. don't fuck it up.)
[Jaskier hesitates a moment because he'd fully anticipated Yennefer to send him away. That wasn't any sort of lack of credit that he was attempting to give her in terms of her capacity to forgive (or work towards forgiving, in any case) so much as just an acknowledgment that Yennefer wasn't the sort of person who tended to trust with any particular sort of ease. And with the fractures he put in her trust in him... Well, he just assumed she'd need a little more time before she'd be willing to let him try to be worthy of that trust again.]
What do you need me to do?
[Normally, Jaskier might offer some form of complaint at the prospect of being ordered around like that. He usually did, frequently implying there were better things he could be doing with his time or lodging a complaint or twenty about the lack of a please or thank you and other such basic standards of etiquette when asking someone to do something for you. But instead, Jaskier is eager to make himself useful. He perks up, sitting a little straighter in his seat and there's a smile in his eyes that he's barely containing. He wants that second chance she's offering him, but he's... Well, he's missed this. He's missed her. And he knows he can't say that because it was his own fuck-up that even got them there in the first place, but it doesn't make the feeling any less true. Doesn't make it slip out any less in how that earlier stillness seems to be rapidly being abandoned in favor of a restless fidget.]
[Honestly, he could hug her right now. If he wasn't so certain he'd end up with two stumps or broken arms, he probably would. So, as it is, Jaskier just contents himself with being bossed around for now.]
(if she gives herself more time, she'll never let him try again. she'll convince herself it's too risky, too dangerous. she'll build up those walls even further then she had them before. she knows this because she has done it so many times. it is something she and tech have in common, how many times their trust has been let down, how thickly the walls go, how lonely it feels behind them. she had pushed tech away, physically and violently when he tried to comfort her in the library. he knew what she was doing. she thinks if he were here, he'd understand why she has to try with the bard before she convinces herself it's not an option.)
Find me Moonstone, if you can. It's said to be a beacon of light when things are hopeless.
(and maybe tech won't feel hopeless when he gets out, but he might need some light anyways. and is she giving jaskier a challenge in the process? maybe just a little. he was the magpie, after all)
yesss let's charge those energies or whatever it is you do with shiny rocks
[Whether Jaskier expects or wants a list is a little up for debate for even Jaskier. Regardless of which it is though, Jaskier pulls a phone from his pocket that Yennefer will no doubt recognize as not being standard issue for Penance and perhaps arrive at the correct conclusion it was a gift from Tech. She might assume it to be recent given that Jaskier's never had it out around Yennefer before, but it's not. Its purpose has simply just been somewhat limited and private, so there was never any particular need to bring it out in front of anyone. But like with all electronics, especially this one which came so directly from Tech, its use brings about a small amount of worship for Tech and gives him a little bit of strength. So, at least for now, Jaskier's been making far more use of it than he otherwise would while Tech's away. As small of a thing as it is to do in the grand scheme of things, it's still something he can do to help him from afar.]
[So, rather than physically writing anything down as would be Jaskier's tendency and continued preference, he actually makes some use out of the notes app that Tech has been consistently and constantly suggesting for his songwriting. That's not exactly something Jaskier can quite do—there's still something too impersonal about it to him relative to writing it all down that he can't quite make that happen—but this list? Perfect fit for it as far as he's concerned.]
How big do you need? [he asks, glancing up at her as he types.] Same as the jasper or bigger?
[Because if it's too much bigger than that, Yennefer may need to lower her expectations a little or be prepared to receive multiple moonstones to compensate. Jaskier had a hard enough time finding the jasper that he had never mind looking for a useful rock bigger than that. Multiples seemed far more likely.]
they do whatever i want tbh witchers magic has no points and the rules don't matter
Same size as the Jasper. Several of them would be preffeable.
(smaller rocks are much easier to grind down for her potions to infuse them. she notices the device in jaskier's hand -- how could she not? It's a curious thing -- different from the phone she was given and she doesn't know what to make of it.)
Hm? [Jaskier lifts his gaze as he's adding to the note about the size and the request for several. It takes a brief second before he connects what she's asking about. Gesturing slightly with the phone, he says,] Oh, this? He gifted it to me a couple of months ago. He, uh...
[Jaskier hesitates a moment on offering an explanation. It's not so much because he's embarrassed about why he was given the phone as it is he's never had to provide any explanation for it to anyone until now. And he's perhaps acutely aware that the first person he's having to explain it to is Yennefer of all people. He doesn't anticipate she shall poke fun at it or even offer genuine criticisms. As jagged and sharp as Yennefer's edges are, Jaskier doesn't believe her to be immune to sentimentality or that desire to hold onto something that meant so much to her once. It's just a little...strange and unanticipated to have her be the first if there was ever to be anyone.]
Well, we don't have any delusions of being together like this forever. [Jaskier's fairly confident Yennefer understands his meaning when he doesn't clarify that he doesn't mean love fading or breaking between them. As much as that might linger as a possibility, it's significantly smaller next to being from separate worlds or the simple fact of Jaskier's mortality. It's not so much fatalistic fixation that they will one day part ways as it is just refusing to bury one's head in the sand about it.] So, he asked me if I would record something for him every day. The phone's connected to him, but he isn't looking at any of it now. He won't until...
[Jaskier gestures with a hand for you know because he can't guess what exactly it will be and there's really no succinct way of saying it. Not in a way that Jaskier wants to right now with Tech so far away and how anxious he is every time Tech is a little late on making his nightly phone call.]
I'm trying to use it a bit more than that though while he's away. The way Tech explained it to me, anytime anyone uses devices like this for any reason, it's a form of worship. It keeps him strong.
[Jaskier hesitates a lot less to add that piece of information relative to the phone's original intention because... Well, he thinks if Yennefer is going through with all this trouble of making Tech potions for when he returns, she might want to know how to help Tech a little more directly now, too. It probably won't make whatever she's feeling in Tech's absence all better—it sure as hell isn't for Jaskier—but it might make ease some of it knowing she can do something without having to grasp at straws or guess.]
Well good, it means you aren't completely stupid. (together forever makes for nice stories but it isn't real. people die, even other immortals. every time geralt goes on a contract, he could die. she has to be ready for that. nothing is forever. she would never say it out loud but that, to yen, is the blessing and curse of love, it's always a risk. there is no way to game it. and she has tried.
until. so much is said in that one word and she feels it in her stomach.)
It seems I'll have to bother using my device more then.
(because while he said it in the cruelest way possible jaskier wasn't wrong, tech was where he was because of her. she owes him this. she owes him more. he said she didn't and yet....)
Not completely, no, [he says, faintly when Yennefer deems him not completely stupid. There isn't a hint of offense—feigned or otherwise—in his tone or expression.]
[The smile is brief, but it's there for just a moment. He almost thinks to offer her a way of making it perhaps a little easier for her by suggesting she can flood his device with as many messages as she wants. He was actually in a fairly regular habit of consistently texting with Tech when they weren't together, so it's not something Jaskier is all that unaccustomed to doing at this point. But Jaskier holds back because letting him stay isn't quite the same thing as wanting his presence in her life. That much at least. It feels too much too soon.]
I could tell him to call you, [he says instead.] If you wanted to talk to him, that is. I, ah... I understand if you don't. Want that. [Because it is complicated to say the least.] And that's fine if you don't. He just calls me more or less every night. So, I can ask him to try calling you at some point if he's up for it when we talk again. If you wanted...that...
[Jaskier chooses not to elaborate the reasons why the nightly phone calls. He says nothing of the memory test that Tech has Jaskier do with him each night and the way Tech's answers to it have started faltering lately where it's beginning to take longer to remember the three words from the night before. And Jaskier sure as hell is not elaborating on that promise he alluded to that night he tore into Yennefer over Tech's absence. Doing so would be a betrayal of the promise Jaskier made to Yennefer about sharing anything related to the future. So, letting her think it's nothing more than two lovers seeking whatever presence and comfort they can from one another during this separation is good enough because it's not the full truth, but it's certainly not a lie.]
(the most she ever used her device was when she and tech were discussing their findings during her quest. it was utilitarian. she's the one person tech has not text spammed. but if it would help him...then she could do that.
but talking to tech....she doesn't know what she would say. what words would feel appropriate or enough. maybe that makes her cowardly. it wouldn't be the first time. not even someone like yennefer of vengerberg is brave all the time. and it is easier to be brave when it comes to telling off assholes then being vulnerable. geralt had called her on that in that cursed tunnel of love that she still very much wants to burn down. a little sad really that hell had to trick a love confession out of her. )
I think...you're probably more what he needs right now that I am.
(someone kind. someone soft. someone who lets themselves be soft and tender even with all that comes with it. perhaps that's why his words had hurt more than most would -- that night jaskier had sharpened his empathy into a sword and stabbed her with it. she has not forgiven him yet, her forgiveness never comes so easily, but that doesn't mean she can't still recognize his objective strengths.)
Well, you, uh... change your mind, let me know, yeah?
[Because Jaskier could try to convince her. He doesn't really believe that Tech needs anything in particular beyond just knowing that he has friends and people who are thinking about him, waiting for him to get back. But at the same time, he knows that if he were in Yennefer's shoes, it would be difficult to do. And there's nothing in that that Jaskier finds to be cowardly or a mark of a poor character. He's never really known Yennefer to be particularly soft save one exception. And that was...different to say the least. Very different. From this circumstance. From even the two of them. Not trusting his own gaze at that thought, Jaskier glances elsewhere from Yennefer for a brief moment because like fucking hell he needs one wrong, reflexive glance to create any further complications right now. Especially when the point is there really is no fault on her part for not being up to speaking with Tech right now. Offering comfort really isn't her forte and that's fine. Her ability to problem-solve more than compensates for that. It's ultimately just more important, he thinks, that she just knows the opportunity is there and if she changes her mind, Jaskier will do what he needs to in order to set it up.]
[Which he's told her. So.]
[So...]
What, um— What else do you want me to look for? Can't imagine it's just moonstones.
(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
[Insults against his intelligence tend to needle at Jaskier a bit more than some others because if there's one thing he's never cared to be perceived as it's stupid. Foolish is fine. Lazy even isn't altogether that bad either. But stupid? Oh, that gets to him. He was always the child who never particularly cared if he was accused of being lazy or foolish, but the moment a teacher implied he was too stupid to learn, it was on and Jaskier immediately rose to the challenge of proving himself to be otherwise. But he knows Yennefer is still angry and he knows he doesn't have her forgiveness, so he tolerates the bite behind her words as best he can. He's not quite as well-versed as Yennefer when it comes to schooling his expression though and there's a little slip in the way his brow knits itself together just a little. Jaskier also keeps his eyes trained on his phone while he adds the other ingredients she's looking for to his list.]
Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
[Jaskier adds chamomile and mint to the list without questioning it, though he does make a note regarding the mint not being strictly necessary relative to the other ingredients. Not that he will put less effort into it, but he will put forth more of his efforts into the others in that case and save that one for last. It's actually the fresh water that gives Jaskier a little more pause and he finally looks up from his phone, plainly confused.]
Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
[It only takes a moment to consider her smile and refer back to what he knows of the meaning behind flowers—of which he knows far more than the average both by virtue of being a bard always seeking out the poetic meaning behind things and the simple fact Jaskier was not a name chosen at random—before they strike their mark. At another time, under different circumstances, he might have bristled and shot back another flower like a snapdragon to reflect deceit since she'd made it so clear that night that she felt his friendship a falsehood. But as it is Jaskier's blood runs cold instead. As much as he does not anticipate having Yennefer's forgiveness anytime soon if ever, he didn't expect to have her hurt so quickly weaponized against him like this.]
[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
[Yennefer's response throws Jaskier for a moment given how it doesn't align with his question at all and yet doesn't seem illogical. It's after that moment of additional thought and her expanding upon it that Jaskier realizes Yennefer peered into his mind. Jaskier's gaze finally lifts then before he sits back upright not so much offended that she looked, but the whiplash that comes with her being so casually cruel one moment and the next sharing something so vulnerable while declaring that she doesn't wish him to suffer. And so, he doesn't crack a smile even as she attempts to inject a little levity into it by the end. Instead, he sits there silently for another moment or two.]
What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
[Jaskier purses his lips because he's uncertain what to say. As relieved as he is that Yennefer is willing enough to be forthright and say exactly what she's feeling right now, it's not often Yennefer's way. Not unless it's an expression of anger and while there's some of that intermingled throughout, Jaskier knows that's not the only thing she's expressing. Saying she was hurt isn't just anger. Saying she missed him isn't just anger.]
[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
[Jaskier nods a little at her speculation about his feelings at the hospital. It hadn't been anything Jaskier was taking altogether personally when he considered what Geralt might do. While there was undoubtedly a time that Geralt likely would have dropped everything to save him, Jaskier was not quite as confident in that as he once used to be. Too much had happened since for Jaskier not to consider that Geralt had larger concerns than him and that he would answer to his duty to those larger things well before Jaskier.]
[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
[Jaskier offers a very blatantly sarcastic laugh back at the appearance of the pitcher as he picks his phone back up.]
You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
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(she doesn't say the words i forgive you, because they wouldn't be true and while she is excellent at selling a lie jaskier has always annoyingly seen through her shit. beyond that...she doesn't want to lie to him. it's that simple. or so she tells herself.
instead she sighs as if he is being just annoying sitting there quietly.)
Well, if you're going to stay, you might as well make yourself useful. I've been trying to ready some potions for when he returns.
(little does she know a lot of them might not survive...what's to come, but it's easier to fall back into ordering him around then forgive him, and it feels better than thinks tearing into him would, tempting as that is. with yennefer it is often about what she is not saying as much as what she is. she is choosing to try to trust you again, bard. don't fuck it up.)
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What do you need me to do?
[Normally, Jaskier might offer some form of complaint at the prospect of being ordered around like that. He usually did, frequently implying there were better things he could be doing with his time or lodging a complaint or twenty about the lack of a please or thank you and other such basic standards of etiquette when asking someone to do something for you. But instead, Jaskier is eager to make himself useful. He perks up, sitting a little straighter in his seat and there's a smile in his eyes that he's barely containing. He wants that second chance she's offering him, but he's... Well, he's missed this. He's missed her. And he knows he can't say that because it was his own fuck-up that even got them there in the first place, but it doesn't make the feeling any less true. Doesn't make it slip out any less in how that earlier stillness seems to be rapidly being abandoned in favor of a restless fidget.]
[Honestly, he could hug her right now. If he wasn't so certain he'd end up with two stumps or broken arms, he probably would. So, as it is, Jaskier just contents himself with being bossed around for now.]
making crystal bullshit work to my favors
(if she gives herself more time, she'll never let him try again. she'll convince herself it's too risky, too dangerous. she'll build up those walls even further then she had them before. she knows this because she has done it so many times. it is something she and tech have in common, how many times their trust has been let down, how thickly the walls go, how lonely it feels behind them. she had pushed tech away, physically and violently when he tried to comfort her in the library. he knew what she was doing. she thinks if he were here, he'd understand why she has to try with the bard before she convinces herself it's not an option.)
Find me Moonstone, if you can. It's said to be a beacon of light when things are hopeless.
(and maybe tech won't feel hopeless when he gets out, but he might need some light anyways. and is she giving jaskier a challenge in the process? maybe just a little. he was the magpie, after all)
yesss let's charge those energies or whatever it is you do with shiny rocks
[So, rather than physically writing anything down as would be Jaskier's tendency and continued preference, he actually makes some use out of the notes app that Tech has been consistently and constantly suggesting for his songwriting. That's not exactly something Jaskier can quite do—there's still something too impersonal about it to him relative to writing it all down that he can't quite make that happen—but this list? Perfect fit for it as far as he's concerned.]
How big do you need? [he asks, glancing up at her as he types.] Same as the jasper or bigger?
[Because if it's too much bigger than that, Yennefer may need to lower her expectations a little or be prepared to receive multiple moonstones to compensate. Jaskier had a hard enough time finding the jasper that he had never mind looking for a useful rock bigger than that. Multiples seemed far more likely.]
they do whatever i want tbh witchers magic has no points and the rules don't matter
Same size as the Jasper. Several of them would be preffeable.
(smaller rocks are much easier to grind down for her potions to infuse them. she notices the device in jaskier's hand -- how could she not? It's a curious thing -- different from the phone she was given and she doesn't know what to make of it.)
Was that a gift from him? Before he left?
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[Jaskier hesitates a moment on offering an explanation. It's not so much because he's embarrassed about why he was given the phone as it is he's never had to provide any explanation for it to anyone until now. And he's perhaps acutely aware that the first person he's having to explain it to is Yennefer of all people. He doesn't anticipate she shall poke fun at it or even offer genuine criticisms. As jagged and sharp as Yennefer's edges are, Jaskier doesn't believe her to be immune to sentimentality or that desire to hold onto something that meant so much to her once. It's just a little...strange and unanticipated to have her be the first if there was ever to be anyone.]
Well, we don't have any delusions of being together like this forever. [Jaskier's fairly confident Yennefer understands his meaning when he doesn't clarify that he doesn't mean love fading or breaking between them. As much as that might linger as a possibility, it's significantly smaller next to being from separate worlds or the simple fact of Jaskier's mortality. It's not so much fatalistic fixation that they will one day part ways as it is just refusing to bury one's head in the sand about it.] So, he asked me if I would record something for him every day. The phone's connected to him, but he isn't looking at any of it now. He won't until...
[Jaskier gestures with a hand for you know because he can't guess what exactly it will be and there's really no succinct way of saying it. Not in a way that Jaskier wants to right now with Tech so far away and how anxious he is every time Tech is a little late on making his nightly phone call.]
I'm trying to use it a bit more than that though while he's away. The way Tech explained it to me, anytime anyone uses devices like this for any reason, it's a form of worship. It keeps him strong.
[Jaskier hesitates a lot less to add that piece of information relative to the phone's original intention because... Well, he thinks if Yennefer is going through with all this trouble of making Tech potions for when he returns, she might want to know how to help Tech a little more directly now, too. It probably won't make whatever she's feeling in Tech's absence all better—it sure as hell isn't for Jaskier—but it might make ease some of it knowing she can do something without having to grasp at straws or guess.]
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Well good, it means you aren't completely stupid. (together forever makes for nice stories but it isn't real. people die, even other immortals. every time geralt goes on a contract, he could die. she has to be ready for that. nothing is forever. she would never say it out loud but that, to yen, is the blessing and curse of love, it's always a risk. there is no way to game it. and she has tried.
until. so much is said in that one word and she feels it in her stomach.)
It seems I'll have to bother using my device more then.
(because while he said it in the cruelest way possible jaskier wasn't wrong, tech was where he was because of her. she owes him this. she owes him more. he said she didn't and yet....)
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[The smile is brief, but it's there for just a moment. He almost thinks to offer her a way of making it perhaps a little easier for her by suggesting she can flood his device with as many messages as she wants. He was actually in a fairly regular habit of consistently texting with Tech when they weren't together, so it's not something Jaskier is all that unaccustomed to doing at this point. But Jaskier holds back because letting him stay isn't quite the same thing as wanting his presence in her life. That much at least. It feels too much too soon.]
I could tell him to call you, [he says instead.] If you wanted to talk to him, that is. I, ah... I understand if you don't. Want that. [Because it is complicated to say the least.] And that's fine if you don't. He just calls me more or less every night. So, I can ask him to try calling you at some point if he's up for it when we talk again. If you wanted...that...
[Jaskier chooses not to elaborate the reasons why the nightly phone calls. He says nothing of the memory test that Tech has Jaskier do with him each night and the way Tech's answers to it have started faltering lately where it's beginning to take longer to remember the three words from the night before. And Jaskier sure as hell is not elaborating on that promise he alluded to that night he tore into Yennefer over Tech's absence. Doing so would be a betrayal of the promise Jaskier made to Yennefer about sharing anything related to the future. So, letting her think it's nothing more than two lovers seeking whatever presence and comfort they can from one another during this separation is good enough because it's not the full truth, but it's certainly not a lie.]
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(the most she ever used her device was when she and tech were discussing their findings during her quest. it was utilitarian. she's the one person tech has not text spammed. but if it would help him...then she could do that.
but talking to tech....she doesn't know what she would say. what words would feel appropriate or enough. maybe that makes her cowardly. it wouldn't be the first time. not even someone like yennefer of vengerberg is brave all the time. and it is easier to be brave when it comes to telling off assholes then being vulnerable. geralt had called her on that in that cursed tunnel of love that she still very much wants to burn down. a little sad really that hell had to trick a love confession out of her. )
I think...you're probably more what he needs right now that I am.
(someone kind. someone soft. someone who lets themselves be soft and tender even with all that comes with it. perhaps that's why his words had hurt more than most would -- that night jaskier had sharpened his empathy into a sword and stabbed her with it. she has not forgiven him yet, her forgiveness never comes so easily, but that doesn't mean she can't still recognize his objective strengths.)
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[Because Jaskier could try to convince her. He doesn't really believe that Tech needs anything in particular beyond just knowing that he has friends and people who are thinking about him, waiting for him to get back. But at the same time, he knows that if he were in Yennefer's shoes, it would be difficult to do. And there's nothing in that that Jaskier finds to be cowardly or a mark of a poor character. He's never really known Yennefer to be particularly soft save one exception. And that was...different to say the least. Very different. From this circumstance. From even the two of them. Not trusting his own gaze at that thought, Jaskier glances elsewhere from Yennefer for a brief moment because like fucking hell he needs one wrong, reflexive glance to create any further complications right now. Especially when the point is there really is no fault on her part for not being up to speaking with Tech right now. Offering comfort really isn't her forte and that's fine. Her ability to problem-solve more than compensates for that. It's ultimately just more important, he thinks, that she just knows the opportunity is there and if she changes her mind, Jaskier will do what he needs to in order to set it up.]
[Which he's told her. So.]
[So...]
What, um— What else do you want me to look for? Can't imagine it's just moonstones.
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Of course it isn't, don't be daft.
(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
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Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
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I'm running low.
(is she actually running low or just giving him things to fetch? it's hard to know for certain. )
If you can find any fresh mint that would also be useful, but not completely necessary.
(to help cut any nausea he might encure too. she would of course increase all the properties with her magic. but she also needs a base.)
Some fresh water, as well.
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Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
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That's as fresh as it gets here, so yes.
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
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[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
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It's not that simple.
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
(she's just saying.)
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What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
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I don't know!
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
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[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
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(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
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[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
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(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
are you sure you missed her, jaskier?)
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You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
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I'll bite -- what is the criteria, then?
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
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