(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
[Insults against his intelligence tend to needle at Jaskier a bit more than some others because if there's one thing he's never cared to be perceived as it's stupid. Foolish is fine. Lazy even isn't altogether that bad either. But stupid? Oh, that gets to him. He was always the child who never particularly cared if he was accused of being lazy or foolish, but the moment a teacher implied he was too stupid to learn, it was on and Jaskier immediately rose to the challenge of proving himself to be otherwise. But he knows Yennefer is still angry and he knows he doesn't have her forgiveness, so he tolerates the bite behind her words as best he can. He's not quite as well-versed as Yennefer when it comes to schooling his expression though and there's a little slip in the way his brow knits itself together just a little. Jaskier also keeps his eyes trained on his phone while he adds the other ingredients she's looking for to his list.]
Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
[Jaskier adds chamomile and mint to the list without questioning it, though he does make a note regarding the mint not being strictly necessary relative to the other ingredients. Not that he will put less effort into it, but he will put forth more of his efforts into the others in that case and save that one for last. It's actually the fresh water that gives Jaskier a little more pause and he finally looks up from his phone, plainly confused.]
Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
[It only takes a moment to consider her smile and refer back to what he knows of the meaning behind flowers—of which he knows far more than the average both by virtue of being a bard always seeking out the poetic meaning behind things and the simple fact Jaskier was not a name chosen at random—before they strike their mark. At another time, under different circumstances, he might have bristled and shot back another flower like a snapdragon to reflect deceit since she'd made it so clear that night that she felt his friendship a falsehood. But as it is Jaskier's blood runs cold instead. As much as he does not anticipate having Yennefer's forgiveness anytime soon if ever, he didn't expect to have her hurt so quickly weaponized against him like this.]
[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
[Yennefer's response throws Jaskier for a moment given how it doesn't align with his question at all and yet doesn't seem illogical. It's after that moment of additional thought and her expanding upon it that Jaskier realizes Yennefer peered into his mind. Jaskier's gaze finally lifts then before he sits back upright not so much offended that she looked, but the whiplash that comes with her being so casually cruel one moment and the next sharing something so vulnerable while declaring that she doesn't wish him to suffer. And so, he doesn't crack a smile even as she attempts to inject a little levity into it by the end. Instead, he sits there silently for another moment or two.]
What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
[Jaskier purses his lips because he's uncertain what to say. As relieved as he is that Yennefer is willing enough to be forthright and say exactly what she's feeling right now, it's not often Yennefer's way. Not unless it's an expression of anger and while there's some of that intermingled throughout, Jaskier knows that's not the only thing she's expressing. Saying she was hurt isn't just anger. Saying she missed him isn't just anger.]
[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
[Jaskier nods a little at her speculation about his feelings at the hospital. It hadn't been anything Jaskier was taking altogether personally when he considered what Geralt might do. While there was undoubtedly a time that Geralt likely would have dropped everything to save him, Jaskier was not quite as confident in that as he once used to be. Too much had happened since for Jaskier not to consider that Geralt had larger concerns than him and that he would answer to his duty to those larger things well before Jaskier.]
[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
[Jaskier offers a very blatantly sarcastic laugh back at the appearance of the pitcher as he picks his phone back up.]
You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
I would say I'm offended that you don't already know by now and leave you to puzzle it out, but I won't allow you the opportunity to speculate. Gods know it'd only be anything entirely unflattering and false anyway. [Yennefer may have the tendency to win their back-and-forths, but he's not going to create such an obvious opening or hand it to her on a silver platter! Not intentionally, anyway.] But surely by now, you must have noticed I enjoy the finer things in life. I care about quality and craftsmanship, Yennefer. But it's not enough to merely tempt me with the most expensive item you can find. There has to be some thought put into it, too.
[Granted an expensive price does actually go a long way to satisfying him if his inability to save any meaningful amounts of coin for very long were any indication. But Jaskier is nothing if not an absolute romantic at heart, which comes with it a degree of sentimentality, too. He absolutely is the sort of person who treasures a picked wildflower or is immensely pleased by some hideous handmade craft simply because of the fact it came from someone who thought he might like it.]
Well, you'll just have to earn my thoughtfulness, then won't you? Because we all know that while you may have good taste, mine is better.
(granted, it's easier to dress yourself up in the finest wares when money isn't an issue. even when she purchases clothes she still uses magic to alter it to fit and suit her perfectly. if there's anyone who might understand the importance of the work she puts into her appearance, it's jaskier.
she doesn't have much in the way of material pieces that have meaning towards her though, other than the choker she almost always wears.)
If planning a stroll through some cursed woods, perhaps, [Jaskier says with a shrug, spreading his arms slightly.] But since I don't share in your urge to maim or otherwise mangle others, I try to look appealing when capturing someone's attention, Yennefer. Not terrify them.
[But even when he's taking his digs like this, he's not calling her ugly or calling her choices in fashion as being poor. Haunting and terrifying don't exclude beautiful as an adjective. He just can't say as much now. Or possibly ever for that matter.]
[It's fine because regardless, it would appear that it flew straight over Jaskier's head if she were conceding to any notion that he can looks appealing. Jaskier, instead, gets caught on being told he cannot do something. Were it something more aligned with who and what he prides himself in being, no doubt, spite would have sent him proving her wrong immediately as Yennefer no doubt would were their roles reversed. As it is though, he merely protests,]
Now what sort of bard would ever be able to make coin if they were terrifying, my dear lady? You think it a talent, but I would call it a detriment.
Hardly, being terrifying has helped me make my coin, not to mention protected me.
(because although she was a powerful sorceress she was still a woman in a world that was not particularly kind to them. for her being terrifying wasn't just a defense mechanism -- it was a survival skill. it didn't pay to be someone people thought they could fuck with. not in her experience. but their roles and what they call for are different, even if they are both performances of sorts.)
[He wants to roll his eyes and scoff, of course. Jaskier is loath to allow Yennefer the victory here or to acknowledge she's successfully made a point. But it's a point that's large and important, and it's shaped so much of her life. It's not one that Jaskier can reasonably deny nor would he ultimately. Especially not over something as petty as winning a verbal spar with her. Making a face, he exhales sharply in a huff as his hands find his hips.]
Yeah, well. My point still stands, [he says, his tone close to being petulant.] It doesn't serve nor suit me to be terrifying. Even for the sake of protection, I've no need of it! Aside from my own wit, Geralt's glowering serves me well enough. And one look at your mug, particularly first thing in the morning, is sure to send most fleeing for the hills. Plus, I'm dating a god and a woman with abilities beyond what your average person could do.
[Jaskier likely sounds a bit proud when talks about who he's dating. Dating being the key word because when not taking into account his fondness and affection for both of them, Jaskier's simply quite pleased with the term itself. Although not always one to be taken by modernity (at least not quite as much as Tech would likely hope Jaskier might be) and certainly not one for labels when it comes to his romantic entanglements, he is charmed by that term. It doesn't feel as though it's trivializing anything while still not being quite as constricting as any of the terms they would use for it on the Continent. It's something unique for the both of them.]
[Plus, Yennefer can't say she's dating anyone. So... Ha!]
So, between the four of you—three if you're in a bad mood, [he says, waving his free hand in her direction,] I'm alright. I haven't any need to be anything other than my charming, loveable self.
Many people like my face in the morning. (like geralt, she doesn't say. maybe it's because things still feel fragile between them, or maybe it's because that would be exposing too much information, that she's allowed herself to be soft enough to stay.)
But Ava seems quite the capable woman, and Tech too, of course. You're lucky to have them.
(unlike geralt, even before this whole mess she had figured out tech and jaskier rather quickly. they weren't subtle.)
That must be a nice luxury, to not have to worry.
(it's said sardnoically but she is actually kind of jealous. she's never had that kind of freedom, wouldn't know what it feels like.)*
[Had she left it at luck, Jaskier most likely would have said something else about their good qualities. He's hardly ever been one to hesitate in espousing such things of those he's taken with in great detail. But Yennefer doesn't stop there and instead, she says something so incredibly, deeply sad that it gives Jaskier a moment of pause. He feels a pang of guilt at those words, knowing that he's no doubt contributed to that feeling of impossibility recently. He tries though not to dwell on that guilt, that thought. Yennefer more or less asked him not to dwell on it and push forward anyway. Still, he's a little quieter, more subdued when he says,]
It is.
[There's a bit of further hesitation.]
You'll know it someday, too, Yennefer.
[It's something he says with the utmost seriousness. He's not trying to take the piss out of her or mock her for the lack of trust she possesses for nearly everyone in her life. And neither does Jaskier doesn't wish it for her. He doesn't even qualify or soften it by saying it's something he believes will come to pass. Jaskier says it firmly as though it were fact, knowing full well that Yennefer's likely to scoff or ridicule him for it. It isn't going to shake his conviction on the matter any though if she does because he doesn't see the world the way she does. As much as Jaskier doesn't turn a blind eye to the cruelties of the world, the ways in which people can let one down or disappoint them greatly, he doesn't see those things as being the only guarantees in life. And so he believes in that good, that hope that sometimes if not often is neglected by Yennefer. Perhaps things will not always go exactly as she envisioned, but that does not mean she shall be without happiness forever. She just has to be certain to allow herself it when it happens. That's all.]
(yennefer isn't even sure she'd know how to recognize it if she did have it, let alone trust it. she long stopped allowing herself to hope for things, all it leads to is sadness and disappointment. over and over again she has learned the same lesson, the world is harsh and cruel. she cannot trust anyone but herself.
but she wants to. in spite of everything she has experienced behind all her hard exteriors, she wants to be loved. she wants it almost desperately. she had told geralt once, before it all went to shit, that she dreamed of being important to someone. it's all she's ever wanted, really.
that hasn't changed. and maybe that's why jaskier's words of anger had cut as deep as they did -- because perhaps she was not special to him the way tech or ava or geralt were she had thought -- well she's not sure what she thought, but to find it falling apart had hurt more than she expected.)
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no subject
Of course it isn't, don't be daft.
(maybe there's slightly more insults against his intelligence then there normally would be. jaskier is many things but he isn't stupid. but he doesn't always have the best sense and she is still cross with him so here we are.)
I need lavender, and some kind of citrus if we can find it.
(he might notice she's gathering things that are known to be soothing, she's working on a potion for nightmares. she has a feeling tech will need those after a month of torture. she doesn't really realize he doesn't sleep but it would work to soothe him while awake and having flashbacks too.)
no subject
Should I look for chamomile as well? Or do you still have enough leftover?
[He is, however, able to keep his tone as though she hadn't said anything insulting whatsoever. There isn't a hint of hurt or anger. There's no sarcasm or looming potential of a return insult. He doesn't even ask the question as a way of showing off how clever he is. He just quickly connects the dots between what it seems she's trying to do and tries to make himself useful by being a little pre-emptive towards whatever else she might need or ask of him.]
no subject
I'm running low.
(is she actually running low or just giving him things to fetch? it's hard to know for certain. )
If you can find any fresh mint that would also be useful, but not completely necessary.
(to help cut any nausea he might encure too. she would of course increase all the properties with her magic. but she also needs a base.)
Some fresh water, as well.
no subject
Fresh water? What like out of the tap?
[Jaskier stops himself short of asking if that isn't something she can just get herself.]
no subject
That's as fresh as it gets here, so yes.
(and yes, she can get it herself, but that's not the point now is it. a slightly cruel smile spreads across her lips)
Not for the potion but I also want you to find me marigolds.
(flowers known to symbolize rejection and despaired love. maybe that's a petty move on her part because she knows he is smart enough to potentially know the meaning of certain flowers. for all that they can symbolize love and joy they can also symbolize despair and mourning. he's free to read into that one as much as he wants.)
no subject
[He'd honestly rather the pin in an effigy over this, but that's probably the point, isn't it? It's not really about letting him have that second chance, and allowing him to make himself useful enough to prove the truth of how he feels and the sincerity behind his apology. He's not being allowed to stay until some part of Yennefer can begin to forgive him and move past it, or she decides she simply can't. She's already decided the latter. It's about hurting him as much if not more than how he hurt her. The tasks she's giving him now aren't anything she expects him to succeed at. In fact, Jaskier would wager anything that Yennefer fully anticipates him to fail at the majority if not all, to provide her with the sharpest knife of pointing out his uselessness in most circumstances because he'll only be so good as to fetch her water and anyone could do that.]
[The point is to make him bleed enough until she's satisfied with it.]
[Jaskier blinks rapidly as he emerges from his apparent stupor, gaze dropping to the floor as hands and phone lower down to his lap. Had cared about now seems like such important phrasing in retrospect and Jaskier feels stupid for not recognizing it until now. His head tilts briefly, eyebrows raising before settling back into a furrow as he exhales sharply. Jaskier licks his lips as he tries to think of what he wants to say. What he can say. But he comes up a bit empty in the end because what else is there for him to say? Apologizing again is not going to accomplish anything. Lashing out at her for naturally and understandably being angry is only going to be a recanting of what he said before. Open acknowledgment that he's hurt by what she's doing is going to seem like an attempt to rob her of her own feelings by declaring it unfair when it really isn't.]
[So, he raises the phone back up and scoots forward in his seat a little with his elbows resting on his thighs to hunch over his phone because he can't be aware of her right now without all the hurt spilling out of him when it has no right to be in this space. He hyper-focuses instead on his breathing and the way the letters pop onto the screen behind the cursor to keep his typing steady and not lose the train of thought of what he's noting down midway through typing it.]
[One letter at a time. Fresh water (from the tap)]
[Line break.]
[Line break.]
[One letter at a time. Marigolds]
[The cursor blinks back at Jaskier and he swallows thickly, wishing there were more letters in the word marigolds than there are. Even as the word begins to pick up its pace in his head as he reads it over and over and over and over until it stops being a word altogether and it only compounds the shame and guilt that had already nestled in for him in the wake of his anger. He knows he should speak. He's been too quiet for probably too long and she's probably irritated. Or pleased. Who knows? He still hasn't looked at her and can't bring himself to, which only serves to make him feel even smaller and more of a coward. He just fears what next comes out of his mouth shall only make it worse. That seems to often be the trend for him these days, in any case.]
Anything else?
[It lacks his earlier energy when there was an eagerness to help, to be useful, but Jaskier manages not to make the question too quiet or too carefully neutral.]
no subject
It's not that simple.
(it's not an answer to his question so much as a response to his thoughts. she had expected him to break and finally snap back at her and fall into that comfortable pattern -- him just eagerly obeying her doesn't quite sit right even if she understands why he feels he needs to do that -- but then he got quiet. and jaskier is almost never quiet. and it never means anything good when he is.
so she starts snooping around his mind without his permission for context clues to what's going on. fuck. the thing is she hasn't decided yet, but she is testing him. they are difficult tasks, but not impossible ones. she wants him to prove her wrong (for someone to prove her wrong, for once) she realizes. but she had to dig the knife in and twist it because that's what she does when she hurts, she hurts back.)
You're not completely wrong, I did choose the marigolds to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I'm setting you up for failure. And it wasn't the only reason I chose marigolds.
(this is an olive branch, if he decides to take it, she understands if he doesn't. )
I had a friend back in Aretuza who's surname was Marigold. Her name was Triss. She was in bad shape during Sodden. I don't know what happened to her after we seperated.
(the olive branch isn't so much the excuse so much as the vulnerability, she doesn't talk about sodden, or the people she fears didn't survive.)
If I just wanted you to suffer, Jaskier, I'd be much more direct about it. And you'd probably of lost your balls by now.
(she's just saying.)
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What do you want, Yennefer? [This time the question is quiet. More a soft plea than demand.] Because, ah... To be honest, it's not very clear to me and all I want to do is give you what you want because I—...
[Jaskier stops himself short from saying that he cares about her and he's missed her even when it was his own stupid fault she was gone in the first place. He doesn't launch himself into saying he wants what they had before he fucked it up back but knows it won't happen overnight and that he's going to have to earn back that trust. Because what he wants doesn't particularly matter right now and he's not entirely certain she'd even believe him if he said any of it. So, Jaskier cuts himself off, glancing at the floor before starting again.]
Just tell me, Yennefer, please. What do you want to happen here?
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I don't know!
(she throws up her arms letting of a sigh of exasperation. because it would be so much easier if she did. she could just send him away and be done with and a part of her keeps saying she should, it's the smarter course of action to survive than forgive and yet....she will be even more alone if she does it. both of these things are true at once.)
I'm....still hurt by what you said, and how you said it, but....you just following my every order without question, as if you're so afraid of what I do that you won't do anything -- and there's no good in that. No fun. No sportsmanship. I thought maybe if I crossed the line you'd finally break but then --
Well, you did break. But not in the way you were supposed to. And I should just tell you to fuck off but you are helpful and I missed -- you- your help. (smooth save, yen.)
But you're acting like you do around Geralt with me. And I don't like it.
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[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
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(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
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[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
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(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
are you sure you missed her, jaskier?)
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You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
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I'll bite -- what is the criteria, then?
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
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[Granted an expensive price does actually go a long way to satisfying him if his inability to save any meaningful amounts of coin for very long were any indication. But Jaskier is nothing if not an absolute romantic at heart, which comes with it a degree of sentimentality, too. He absolutely is the sort of person who treasures a picked wildflower or is immensely pleased by some hideous handmade craft simply because of the fact it came from someone who thought he might like it.]
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Well, you'll just have to earn my thoughtfulness, then won't you? Because we all know that while you may have good taste, mine is better.
(granted, it's easier to dress yourself up in the finest wares when money isn't an issue. even when she purchases clothes she still uses magic to alter it to fit and suit her perfectly. if there's anyone who might understand the importance of the work she puts into her appearance, it's jaskier.
she doesn't have much in the way of material pieces that have meaning towards her though, other than the choker she almost always wears.)
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[But even when he's taking his digs like this, he's not calling her ugly or calling her choices in fashion as being poor. Haunting and terrifying don't exclude beautiful as an adjective. He just can't say as much now. Or possibly ever for that matter.]
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You can be appealing and terrifying. Or at least I can. Maybe it's beyond your capabilities, you're right.
(she's not arguing whether he manages to actually look appealing or not. why would she? it's not relevent.)
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Now what sort of bard would ever be able to make coin if they were terrifying, my dear lady? You think it a talent, but I would call it a detriment.
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Hardly, being terrifying has helped me make my coin, not to mention protected me.
(because although she was a powerful sorceress she was still a woman in a world that was not particularly kind to them. for her being terrifying wasn't just a defense mechanism -- it was a survival skill. it didn't pay to be someone people thought they could fuck with. not in her experience. but their roles and what they call for are different, even if they are both performances of sorts.)
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Yeah, well. My point still stands, [he says, his tone close to being petulant.] It doesn't serve nor suit me to be terrifying. Even for the sake of protection, I've no need of it! Aside from my own wit, Geralt's glowering serves me well enough. And one look at your mug, particularly first thing in the morning, is sure to send most fleeing for the hills. Plus, I'm dating a god and a woman with abilities beyond what your average person could do.
[Jaskier likely sounds a bit proud when talks about who he's dating. Dating being the key word because when not taking into account his fondness and affection for both of them, Jaskier's simply quite pleased with the term itself. Although not always one to be taken by modernity (at least not quite as much as Tech would likely hope Jaskier might be) and certainly not one for labels when it comes to his romantic entanglements, he is charmed by that term. It doesn't feel as though it's trivializing anything while still not being quite as constricting as any of the terms they would use for it on the Continent. It's something unique for the both of them.]
[Plus, Yennefer can't say she's dating anyone. So... Ha!]
So, between the four of you—three if you're in a bad mood, [he says, waving his free hand in her direction,] I'm alright. I haven't any need to be anything other than my charming, loveable self.
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Many people like my face in the morning. (like geralt, she doesn't say. maybe it's because things still feel fragile between them, or maybe it's because that would be exposing too much information, that she's allowed herself to be soft enough to stay.)
But Ava seems quite the capable woman, and Tech too, of course. You're lucky to have them.
(unlike geralt, even before this whole mess she had figured out tech and jaskier rather quickly. they weren't subtle.)
That must be a nice luxury, to not have to worry.
(it's said sardnoically but she is actually kind of jealous. she's never had that kind of freedom, wouldn't know what it feels like.)*
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It is.
[There's a bit of further hesitation.]
You'll know it someday, too, Yennefer.
[It's something he says with the utmost seriousness. He's not trying to take the piss out of her or mock her for the lack of trust she possesses for nearly everyone in her life. And neither does Jaskier doesn't wish it for her. He doesn't even qualify or soften it by saying it's something he believes will come to pass. Jaskier says it firmly as though it were fact, knowing full well that Yennefer's likely to scoff or ridicule him for it. It isn't going to shake his conviction on the matter any though if she does because he doesn't see the world the way she does. As much as Jaskier doesn't turn a blind eye to the cruelties of the world, the ways in which people can let one down or disappoint them greatly, he doesn't see those things as being the only guarantees in life. And so he believes in that good, that hope that sometimes if not often is neglected by Yennefer. Perhaps things will not always go exactly as she envisioned, but that does not mean she shall be without happiness forever. She just has to be certain to allow herself it when it happens. That's all.]
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Perhaps.
(yennefer isn't even sure she'd know how to recognize it if she did have it, let alone trust it. she long stopped allowing herself to hope for things, all it leads to is sadness and disappointment. over and over again she has learned the same lesson, the world is harsh and cruel. she cannot trust anyone but herself.
but she wants to. in spite of everything she has experienced behind all her hard exteriors, she wants to be loved. she wants it almost desperately. she had told geralt once, before it all went to shit, that she dreamed of being important to someone. it's all she's ever wanted, really.
that hasn't changed. and maybe that's why jaskier's words of anger had cut as deep as they did -- because perhaps she was not special to him the way tech or ava or geralt were she had thought -- well she's not sure what she thought, but to find it falling apart had hurt more than she expected.)
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