[Jaskier purses his lips because he's uncertain what to say. As relieved as he is that Yennefer is willing enough to be forthright and say exactly what she's feeling right now, it's not often Yennefer's way. Not unless it's an expression of anger and while there's some of that intermingled throughout, Jaskier knows that's not the only thing she's expressing. Saying she was hurt isn't just anger. Saying she missed him isn't just anger.]
[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
[Jaskier nods a little at her speculation about his feelings at the hospital. It hadn't been anything Jaskier was taking altogether personally when he considered what Geralt might do. While there was undoubtedly a time that Geralt likely would have dropped everything to save him, Jaskier was not quite as confident in that as he once used to be. Too much had happened since for Jaskier not to consider that Geralt had larger concerns than him and that he would answer to his duty to those larger things well before Jaskier.]
[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
[Jaskier offers a very blatantly sarcastic laugh back at the appearance of the pitcher as he picks his phone back up.]
You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
I would say I'm offended that you don't already know by now and leave you to puzzle it out, but I won't allow you the opportunity to speculate. Gods know it'd only be anything entirely unflattering and false anyway. [Yennefer may have the tendency to win their back-and-forths, but he's not going to create such an obvious opening or hand it to her on a silver platter! Not intentionally, anyway.] But surely by now, you must have noticed I enjoy the finer things in life. I care about quality and craftsmanship, Yennefer. But it's not enough to merely tempt me with the most expensive item you can find. There has to be some thought put into it, too.
[Granted an expensive price does actually go a long way to satisfying him if his inability to save any meaningful amounts of coin for very long were any indication. But Jaskier is nothing if not an absolute romantic at heart, which comes with it a degree of sentimentality, too. He absolutely is the sort of person who treasures a picked wildflower or is immensely pleased by some hideous handmade craft simply because of the fact it came from someone who thought he might like it.]
Well, you'll just have to earn my thoughtfulness, then won't you? Because we all know that while you may have good taste, mine is better.
(granted, it's easier to dress yourself up in the finest wares when money isn't an issue. even when she purchases clothes she still uses magic to alter it to fit and suit her perfectly. if there's anyone who might understand the importance of the work she puts into her appearance, it's jaskier.
she doesn't have much in the way of material pieces that have meaning towards her though, other than the choker she almost always wears.)
If planning a stroll through some cursed woods, perhaps, [Jaskier says with a shrug, spreading his arms slightly.] But since I don't share in your urge to maim or otherwise mangle others, I try to look appealing when capturing someone's attention, Yennefer. Not terrify them.
[But even when he's taking his digs like this, he's not calling her ugly or calling her choices in fashion as being poor. Haunting and terrifying don't exclude beautiful as an adjective. He just can't say as much now. Or possibly ever for that matter.]
[It's fine because regardless, it would appear that it flew straight over Jaskier's head if she were conceding to any notion that he can looks appealing. Jaskier, instead, gets caught on being told he cannot do something. Were it something more aligned with who and what he prides himself in being, no doubt, spite would have sent him proving her wrong immediately as Yennefer no doubt would were their roles reversed. As it is though, he merely protests,]
Now what sort of bard would ever be able to make coin if they were terrifying, my dear lady? You think it a talent, but I would call it a detriment.
Hardly, being terrifying has helped me make my coin, not to mention protected me.
(because although she was a powerful sorceress she was still a woman in a world that was not particularly kind to them. for her being terrifying wasn't just a defense mechanism -- it was a survival skill. it didn't pay to be someone people thought they could fuck with. not in her experience. but their roles and what they call for are different, even if they are both performances of sorts.)
[He wants to roll his eyes and scoff, of course. Jaskier is loath to allow Yennefer the victory here or to acknowledge she's successfully made a point. But it's a point that's large and important, and it's shaped so much of her life. It's not one that Jaskier can reasonably deny nor would he ultimately. Especially not over something as petty as winning a verbal spar with her. Making a face, he exhales sharply in a huff as his hands find his hips.]
Yeah, well. My point still stands, [he says, his tone close to being petulant.] It doesn't serve nor suit me to be terrifying. Even for the sake of protection, I've no need of it! Aside from my own wit, Geralt's glowering serves me well enough. And one look at your mug, particularly first thing in the morning, is sure to send most fleeing for the hills. Plus, I'm dating a god and a woman with abilities beyond what your average person could do.
[Jaskier likely sounds a bit proud when talks about who he's dating. Dating being the key word because when not taking into account his fondness and affection for both of them, Jaskier's simply quite pleased with the term itself. Although not always one to be taken by modernity (at least not quite as much as Tech would likely hope Jaskier might be) and certainly not one for labels when it comes to his romantic entanglements, he is charmed by that term. It doesn't feel as though it's trivializing anything while still not being quite as constricting as any of the terms they would use for it on the Continent. It's something unique for the both of them.]
[Plus, Yennefer can't say she's dating anyone. So... Ha!]
So, between the four of you—three if you're in a bad mood, [he says, waving his free hand in her direction,] I'm alright. I haven't any need to be anything other than my charming, loveable self.
Many people like my face in the morning. (like geralt, she doesn't say. maybe it's because things still feel fragile between them, or maybe it's because that would be exposing too much information, that she's allowed herself to be soft enough to stay.)
But Ava seems quite the capable woman, and Tech too, of course. You're lucky to have them.
(unlike geralt, even before this whole mess she had figured out tech and jaskier rather quickly. they weren't subtle.)
That must be a nice luxury, to not have to worry.
(it's said sardnoically but she is actually kind of jealous. she's never had that kind of freedom, wouldn't know what it feels like.)*
[Had she left it at luck, Jaskier most likely would have said something else about their good qualities. He's hardly ever been one to hesitate in espousing such things of those he's taken with in great detail. But Yennefer doesn't stop there and instead, she says something so incredibly, deeply sad that it gives Jaskier a moment of pause. He feels a pang of guilt at those words, knowing that he's no doubt contributed to that feeling of impossibility recently. He tries though not to dwell on that guilt, that thought. Yennefer more or less asked him not to dwell on it and push forward anyway. Still, he's a little quieter, more subdued when he says,]
It is.
[There's a bit of further hesitation.]
You'll know it someday, too, Yennefer.
[It's something he says with the utmost seriousness. He's not trying to take the piss out of her or mock her for the lack of trust she possesses for nearly everyone in her life. And neither does Jaskier doesn't wish it for her. He doesn't even qualify or soften it by saying it's something he believes will come to pass. Jaskier says it firmly as though it were fact, knowing full well that Yennefer's likely to scoff or ridicule him for it. It isn't going to shake his conviction on the matter any though if she does because he doesn't see the world the way she does. As much as Jaskier doesn't turn a blind eye to the cruelties of the world, the ways in which people can let one down or disappoint them greatly, he doesn't see those things as being the only guarantees in life. And so he believes in that good, that hope that sometimes if not often is neglected by Yennefer. Perhaps things will not always go exactly as she envisioned, but that does not mean she shall be without happiness forever. She just has to be certain to allow herself it when it happens. That's all.]
(yennefer isn't even sure she'd know how to recognize it if she did have it, let alone trust it. she long stopped allowing herself to hope for things, all it leads to is sadness and disappointment. over and over again she has learned the same lesson, the world is harsh and cruel. she cannot trust anyone but herself.
but she wants to. in spite of everything she has experienced behind all her hard exteriors, she wants to be loved. she wants it almost desperately. she had told geralt once, before it all went to shit, that she dreamed of being important to someone. it's all she's ever wanted, really.
that hasn't changed. and maybe that's why jaskier's words of anger had cut as deep as they did -- because perhaps she was not special to him the way tech or ava or geralt were she had thought -- well she's not sure what she thought, but to find it falling apart had hurt more than she expected.)
[He could try to rouse another answer out of her possibly. Jaskier's almost certain if he pointed out that the Yennefer of Vengerberg he knows doesn't settle for anything less than what she wants, that would bring out more of her usual fire. If he pressed harder by trying to get her to align more with the factual nature of his prediction, she'd either argue with him or scoff.]
[But the response Jaskier receives from her now is... It's softer than either of those. More vulnerable. More honest. He wouldn't change that or try to push her further into a belief she can't hold yet. Still, a smile tugs at his lips for just a moment. Softer and kinder than she's likely used to receiving. More honest, too. It's hard not to when she offers that vulnerability despite all her instincts and he understands just how hard it is for her to do that. Especially after the way he's behaved.]
[It's now, for the first time, Jaskier finally feels as though things can be okay between them again.]
Well! [he says abruptly, the smile vanishing and being replaced with a put-upon sigh.] Considering you've demonstrated once again what a layabout you are, I've quite the list of things to fetch for you now. Best I get to it or nothing will get done around here.
You know, Yennefer, one of these days, you might have to lift a finger. Gods forbid, even break a sweat every now and again!
(illusionary magic and all that. it's very useful. never mind that very soon she will be ill and sweaty -- she doesn't know that yet. for now she's content with some return to normalcy -- while not questioning too hard how spending time with jaskier became normal to her. or how it is easier to be vulnerable with him that it is most people.
even after he hurt like he did. and he did hurt her. but he had no agenda to apologize to her either -- no motives that she can sniff out beyond simply wanting to make things right between them.
that's a new one. but still, she waves her hand, as if dismissing him.)
But we shouldn't waste anymore time, you've put me behind schedule enough as it is.
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[Slowly, he sits up again, just enough to set his phone down on the table as he debates it for a few moments longer. He told Yennefer he wouldn't say anything of the future, but that technically wasn't the future, was it? It was the past even to her and just something she didn't know. A missing piece because Geralt never said anything of it and neither did Jaskier. But there are parts of it that are the future. The present, really. Even now that things are better between him and Geralt and Jaskier's felt he's had the opportunity to finally wedge a place for himself back in Geralt's life again, that feeling of tenuousness hasn't left him deep down. Not entirely. He draws a breath, hesitating for only a second or two longer before slowly, he starts to explain.]
On the mountain, after you left... He, um... [Jaskier purses his lips a moment before clicking his tongue quietly. He draws another breath.] Geralt said some pretty terrible things to me and he abandoned me. I won't get into everything that's happened since because it doesn't matter and you wouldn't want to know anyway, but, [he says, furrowing his brow and glancing down again,] I guess I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that...
[Jaskier trails off, shaking his head a little. It's not words that he wants to speak out loud. Not when that just feels like it will give them weight he'll never be able to take back from them. He just has to trust Yennefer understands well enough, that she knows where that sentence was going to end without him having to actually say it and acknowledge any of it.]
I know this one is on me and you should tell me to fuck off. I really wouldn't blame you if you did. But I'm tired of missing the people I care about, Yennefer, and... [He comes up against it again. The words he doesn't want to say. The fear he doesn't want to give much shape or form to. But it doesn't seem like there's much avoiding it in the end. He can't explain how much he feels a hair's breadth away from fucking it up again with one misstep, one misspoken word without acknowledging that's the fear in the first place.] I'm really fucking tired of feeling like it's only a matter of time before that's it. My place is gone. I lost it.
And you and I? [There's a flicker of a reflexive smile.] I've never worried about that. But how can I not now? How can I act as though nothing has happened when you're still hurt? When I know you're questioning everything I do and say?
[Jaskier casts his glance aside for a moment.]
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt or that you shouldn't have doubts, I'm only— [What is he trying to say? Jaskier's not even entirely sure where he's going with this at this point, hence the abrupt halt in his words. He sighs heavily with all the exhaustion and sadness and guilt he feels weighing on his shoulders right now.] I fucking hate this, Yennefer. I hate that I did something so needlessly fucking cruel to you all because I— [He stops again.] I just want—
I want us back. And I'm scared that won't happen. And I will have to miss you.
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(no, it's not normal for yennefer to be so forthcoming but the past few months have been a lot and she's tired and after that stupid fucking tunnel of love pried so much out of her and Geralt....well she's getting the hint that with this place it's better to have control of what she reveals instead of waiting for it to be forced out of her in some way or another. that way it's still a choice she made. or maybe she's just growing soft. she doesn't like that idea though so she clings to the pragmatic option.)
That's why you were so certain he would abandon you in the hospital.
(it's not a criticism so much as puzzle pieces snapping into place, things finally making sense. she wonders if geralt ever followed through with talking to him after all that. she'll have to check on that. not that she cares or anything right now, she's just curious.)
I appreciate that you want us back, but you shouldn't let it come to the detriment of your own self worth. I'm not saying I forgive you but I don't have any use for someone who is going to just cower and comply to my every whim. That isn't anything real. And give me a little more credit, I can tell the difference between a jape and a real insult.
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[Which wasn't such a terrible thing. Jaskier's faith in Geralt to do the right thing hadn't been shaken in the slightest and he will hold fast to that belief until his dying breath because he knows Geralt is a good man. But Jaskier did perhaps finally grow up a bit when it comes to the romanticized notion that Geralt would always be there to save him. He couldn't (and possibly wouldn't under certain circumstances) because Geralt was a hero without question, but life wasn't a fairy tale and it doesn't always work itself out as the ideal. And it was never particularly fair of Jaskier to hold Geralt to that unspoken standard in the first place.]
[He does, however, feel a touch admonished when she points out her ability to tell the difference between their usual sort of banter these days and something truly unkind. Not in any sort of harsh or critical way because she certainly doesn't point it out as much, but he does feel a bit foolish for treading so lightly and carefully around her, and looks down a moment when she says it.]
Then, in that case, [he says, looking up, a stronger look in his eyes than was there before,] you can risk breaking a talon turning on the faucet, and get your own bloody water.
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(a bark of laughter escapes her, and it probably shouldn't but it feels something close to relief. they aren't good, it'll be a long time before they'll be anything close to that, it will take time, some perseverance, and some tests -- like when he needs to push back. she has no interest in friends she can walk over -- that's what lovestruck fools are for.)
Really? I thought the magpie might like the shiny pitcher.
(to be an extra shit she waves hands in front of her, conjuring up a very well polished silver pitcher.
are you sure you missed her, jaskier?)
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You know, I think the fumes from all these potions are starting to get to you. [Jaskier pockets his phone as he stands up.] You're under the sad delusion that you're actually funny. You poor, poor thing.
[And yet, it would appear that he's still nicking the pitcher because he picks it up and turns it over a bit, clearly inspecting it. Jaskier doesn't necessarily genuinely want it, but also one might as well not let it go to waste. At the very least, he can probably give it to Tech for his place. He'll probably find somewhere to put it or some use for it sooner than Jaskier.]
But it is about time there was a bit of reciprocity here. I mean, how many things have I brought you over the past few months? Hardly a word of gratitude out of you all this time, of course, which is to be expected, but I would wager you've never once considered what I might like in return. Have you? Hm? [He waggles the pitcher slightly, crinkling his nose.] The effort you've finally decided to make here is appreciated, but I'm not a magpie as we have previously discussed. Shiny is not the sole criteria.
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I'll bite -- what is the criteria, then?
(not that she cares. she's not planning on giving him any gifts in the future -- the pitcher wasn't even supposed to be a gift, really, but he had taken the sparring that direction and weirdly as angry as she's been at him, she has missed this. there aren't many who can keep up with her verbally.)
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[Granted an expensive price does actually go a long way to satisfying him if his inability to save any meaningful amounts of coin for very long were any indication. But Jaskier is nothing if not an absolute romantic at heart, which comes with it a degree of sentimentality, too. He absolutely is the sort of person who treasures a picked wildflower or is immensely pleased by some hideous handmade craft simply because of the fact it came from someone who thought he might like it.]
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Well, you'll just have to earn my thoughtfulness, then won't you? Because we all know that while you may have good taste, mine is better.
(granted, it's easier to dress yourself up in the finest wares when money isn't an issue. even when she purchases clothes she still uses magic to alter it to fit and suit her perfectly. if there's anyone who might understand the importance of the work she puts into her appearance, it's jaskier.
she doesn't have much in the way of material pieces that have meaning towards her though, other than the choker she almost always wears.)
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[But even when he's taking his digs like this, he's not calling her ugly or calling her choices in fashion as being poor. Haunting and terrifying don't exclude beautiful as an adjective. He just can't say as much now. Or possibly ever for that matter.]
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You can be appealing and terrifying. Or at least I can. Maybe it's beyond your capabilities, you're right.
(she's not arguing whether he manages to actually look appealing or not. why would she? it's not relevent.)
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Now what sort of bard would ever be able to make coin if they were terrifying, my dear lady? You think it a talent, but I would call it a detriment.
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Hardly, being terrifying has helped me make my coin, not to mention protected me.
(because although she was a powerful sorceress she was still a woman in a world that was not particularly kind to them. for her being terrifying wasn't just a defense mechanism -- it was a survival skill. it didn't pay to be someone people thought they could fuck with. not in her experience. but their roles and what they call for are different, even if they are both performances of sorts.)
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Yeah, well. My point still stands, [he says, his tone close to being petulant.] It doesn't serve nor suit me to be terrifying. Even for the sake of protection, I've no need of it! Aside from my own wit, Geralt's glowering serves me well enough. And one look at your mug, particularly first thing in the morning, is sure to send most fleeing for the hills. Plus, I'm dating a god and a woman with abilities beyond what your average person could do.
[Jaskier likely sounds a bit proud when talks about who he's dating. Dating being the key word because when not taking into account his fondness and affection for both of them, Jaskier's simply quite pleased with the term itself. Although not always one to be taken by modernity (at least not quite as much as Tech would likely hope Jaskier might be) and certainly not one for labels when it comes to his romantic entanglements, he is charmed by that term. It doesn't feel as though it's trivializing anything while still not being quite as constricting as any of the terms they would use for it on the Continent. It's something unique for the both of them.]
[Plus, Yennefer can't say she's dating anyone. So... Ha!]
So, between the four of you—three if you're in a bad mood, [he says, waving his free hand in her direction,] I'm alright. I haven't any need to be anything other than my charming, loveable self.
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Many people like my face in the morning. (like geralt, she doesn't say. maybe it's because things still feel fragile between them, or maybe it's because that would be exposing too much information, that she's allowed herself to be soft enough to stay.)
But Ava seems quite the capable woman, and Tech too, of course. You're lucky to have them.
(unlike geralt, even before this whole mess she had figured out tech and jaskier rather quickly. they weren't subtle.)
That must be a nice luxury, to not have to worry.
(it's said sardnoically but she is actually kind of jealous. she's never had that kind of freedom, wouldn't know what it feels like.)*
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It is.
[There's a bit of further hesitation.]
You'll know it someday, too, Yennefer.
[It's something he says with the utmost seriousness. He's not trying to take the piss out of her or mock her for the lack of trust she possesses for nearly everyone in her life. And neither does Jaskier doesn't wish it for her. He doesn't even qualify or soften it by saying it's something he believes will come to pass. Jaskier says it firmly as though it were fact, knowing full well that Yennefer's likely to scoff or ridicule him for it. It isn't going to shake his conviction on the matter any though if she does because he doesn't see the world the way she does. As much as Jaskier doesn't turn a blind eye to the cruelties of the world, the ways in which people can let one down or disappoint them greatly, he doesn't see those things as being the only guarantees in life. And so he believes in that good, that hope that sometimes if not often is neglected by Yennefer. Perhaps things will not always go exactly as she envisioned, but that does not mean she shall be without happiness forever. She just has to be certain to allow herself it when it happens. That's all.]
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Perhaps.
(yennefer isn't even sure she'd know how to recognize it if she did have it, let alone trust it. she long stopped allowing herself to hope for things, all it leads to is sadness and disappointment. over and over again she has learned the same lesson, the world is harsh and cruel. she cannot trust anyone but herself.
but she wants to. in spite of everything she has experienced behind all her hard exteriors, she wants to be loved. she wants it almost desperately. she had told geralt once, before it all went to shit, that she dreamed of being important to someone. it's all she's ever wanted, really.
that hasn't changed. and maybe that's why jaskier's words of anger had cut as deep as they did -- because perhaps she was not special to him the way tech or ava or geralt were she had thought -- well she's not sure what she thought, but to find it falling apart had hurt more than she expected.)
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[But the response Jaskier receives from her now is... It's softer than either of those. More vulnerable. More honest. He wouldn't change that or try to push her further into a belief she can't hold yet. Still, a smile tugs at his lips for just a moment. Softer and kinder than she's likely used to receiving. More honest, too. It's hard not to when she offers that vulnerability despite all her instincts and he understands just how hard it is for her to do that. Especially after the way he's behaved.]
[It's now, for the first time, Jaskier finally feels as though things can be okay between them again.]
Well! [he says abruptly, the smile vanishing and being replaced with a put-upon sigh.] Considering you've demonstrated once again what a layabout you are, I've quite the list of things to fetch for you now. Best I get to it or nothing will get done around here.
You know, Yennefer, one of these days, you might have to lift a finger. Gods forbid, even break a sweat every now and again!
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Even if I did sweat, you'd never know, bard.
(illusionary magic and all that. it's very useful. never mind that very soon she will be ill and sweaty -- she doesn't know that yet. for now she's content with some return to normalcy -- while not questioning too hard how spending time with jaskier became normal to her. or how it is easier to be vulnerable with him that it is most people.
even after he hurt like he did. and he did hurt her. but he had no agenda to apologize to her either -- no motives that she can sniff out beyond simply wanting to make things right between them.
that's a new one. but still, she waves her hand, as if dismissing him.)
But we shouldn't waste anymore time, you've put me behind schedule enough as it is.