"That's not all there is to the story, I told you, it was complicated." And she could leave it at that but Geralt had to hunt her down, at least she can do is try to give light to why she was hiding in the first place.
"And I wasn't the only one who needed freeing. Tech was friends with one of other brides. So we tried to arrange an agreement for that. Mammon wanted to alter me as much as he saw fit into perpetuity -- another type of ownership. I declined. Then he said I would owe a favor worth the weight of two souls which wasn't much better and I guess Tech knows more about this than I do, considering he offered himself up instead, to be feasted on like he was in the hospital for at least a month."
She stops pacing, the feeling of queasiness returning to her stomach. Tech says she doesn't owe him so why does it still feel like she does. "Before I could try to offer anything else they had signed the contract and all there was to be done was casting the spell. Tech worked as my conduit....and I had gathered all the other components needed but there was still the issue of the blood. That's why he gave me fangs. Asshole pervert wanted me to drink from the source. It was disgusting -- the act -- but the blood itself gave me a high unlike anything I had experienced before, had Tech not been there I might have been willing to stay with Mammon willingly. But I didn't. And now I am free and Tech is packing to be tortured for a month and I shouldn't care, right. Using people is what I do, right? I got what I wanted, you said it yourself."
She turns to face him, violet eyes wet with emotion. Her voice is softer and Geralt knows her well enough to recognize a rare emotion in there: guilt. And regret.
"Except it doesn't feel like what I wanted at all. Even when I realized a clean victory was out of the picture I didn't expect for it to be as bad as it got. I did not want someone I consider a friend to suffer on my behalf."
Geralt quiets as Yennefer tells the full story, his stony expression falling slightly. It softens slightly, subtle changes in his expression that might have been lost on those who didn't know him well. Yen is among to few who know him well enough to understand the weary way his brow lowers and his jaw tightens, what the lines on his forehead mean.
He doesn't like it, and she's right. It is more complicated than he guessed. The fact he warned her this wouldn't end well is no comfort.
"Of course it's not what you want, Yen, you're not heartless." She's just impulsive, and stubborn, and blind to the potential consequences of her actions until they're on top of her. All that, he's smart enough to keep to himself.
"Are you all right otherwise?" he asks, focusing instead on the problem. "Physically. Have there been any other changes?"
He had warned her yes, but she's not sure she would have been any better if she had held off longer. Mammon had been planning on taking them back after the carnival. She had to try something. It just didn't go the way she wanted, as they so often didn't.
"There are others who might disagree with you on that assessment." That she wasn't heartless, that is.
"Physically, I seem to be fine. There's no....cravings, at least so far. I don't know if that means there never will be. Maybe the demon blood just satiated me for now."
And it's disturbing, not knowing. But this is the choice she made, the one she has to live with.
"My ears didn't change back when the spell broke, but it could be worse."
Not entirely reassuring, but it's probably the best answer she can give. The fact she's considered the possibility might be a good sign. It means Yennefer has her wits about her enough to watch for signs of a change.
Or it might be a sign of just how much of an effect her one foray into vampirism had on her.
In the end, Geralt can only sigh and accept the answer.
"Perhaps the changes are only superficial then." A pause, then he adds, "It's not surprising the ears didn't change. It seems like with some exceptions, the only thing that cures that kind of transformation is redemption."
It's a little bit of both. The one foray had had quite the effect...but she also knew she needed to be keeping out for signs of things getting worse again. She finally stops pacing and sits on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to her, a silent invitation if he wants to join her.
Not that she blames him if he doesn't.
She snorts a little at his words, her voice rather humorless. "I suppose I should get used to them, then. I think we both know I'm not made for redemption."
"You could be made for many things, if you set your mind to it." Geralt moves closer at a careful pace, hesitating only briefly before he sits. He doesn't quite stifle a grunt, thoughtful rather than the result of creaking joints.
"I'd think that's clear considering this whole stunt. If you're determined, there's not much that will hold you back."
Or maybe the one thing Yennefer can't do is follow the rules.
"I have been told I'm very stubborn when I want something."
But her words lack the regular bite or humor they have to them. It's hard to feel good about any of it, knowing what Tech agreed to. Is she bad for not trying to stop it? It had been his choice to make....and yet...
She's uncharacteristically quiet for some time before speaking.
"I'm sorry I broke my promise to you. I was shaken up after everything, and afraid of how you might respond, but those aren't good experiences."
"How did you think I'd react?" Geralt asks, his voice low as he watches her. She looks fragile like this. Despite everything, he'd normally be one to say only a fool would mistake Yennefer for fragile. Delicate. Those slim hands of hers were capable of doing far more damage than he ever could.
But she does look somehow... breakable.
"I would have helped you. I would have helped you if you brought me with you too."
"I don't know, I guess I was worried you would be disgusted with me. Or disappointed."
Even if these changes were normal here....he was a monster made to hunt other monsters, and now she is more monstrous. Yennefer would never admit it, but she has felt....very fragile since she left that tunnel. Even if she had her freedom...she was still stuck in this place. And someone she cared about was suffering on her behalf, and she was pretty sure she wasn't worth it. So maybe she had been projecting her feelings about herself onto Geralt -- it wouldn't be the first time.
"I should have trusted you more, maybe things would have turned out differently if I had."
It is not often Yennefer apologizes to anyone and it probably shouldn't take such extreme circumstances for it to happen, but here they were.
"I know." As in, she knows he's not happy. She won't apologize again, it's not in her nature to do much of that to begin with, let over and over again. He knows she regrets some of the choices she made. Yennefer always sees better in hindsight, is the problem.
But she knows she needs to try to keep being honest with him, as much as she'd rather do anything but talk right now. "I thought I had enough figured out, and when he said he was planning on leaving with us after the carnival -- it felt like there was no turning back."
As apologies go, it's rather lackluster. From someone else it might be hard to call it an apology at all, exactly. Geralt isn't one to apologize much either, though, and he knows Yen. He can tell when she expresses regret—and what it means to share that with him.
"For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here." There's not much point in berating her for what's done.
For him, this might be accepting an apology. "I wouldn't want to risk losing you again."
Look, she said the words I'm sorry that's all an apology needs, right? Okay, maybe not, but she's not exactly good at this. She's glad he doesn't berate her for it. she'll get enough of that later from jaskier
She reaches out to grab his hand, though whether it's to reassure himself or her she's not sure.
"And you haven't. I'm still me....just a little different now."
"I know," he assures her. He gives her a squeeze, his hand solid and rough, showing no hesitation in his touch.
There's no way to pretend he's not concerned, or not bothered. She's changed already, and it's difficult not to see the slippery slope in this, how one change leads to another and so on.
But he won't abandon her to that fate. If she needs someone to pull her back, who better than Geralt?
His hand his solid and rough, a steadying warmth where she needs it, even if she doesn't necessarily deserve it. She broke her word to him. She messed up in so many places and she had been too stubborn to listen when he warned because she thought that any cost would be worth her freedom.
After everything that went down....she's not so sure.
She rests her head on his broad shoulder, for once not seeking anything from him other than closeness. And maybe because she needs to break how fucking bleak it feels a little:
"If I ever see that Tunnel again I'm burning it down."
That gets a chuckle out of him. The kind that says that if she tries, he won't stop her. That if she wants to burn it down, the place probably has it coming. Maybe a few more places around here could stand to be burnt down.
He huffs then, not entirely ready to let her change the subject.
No, she didn't think he would let her off the hook that easily, somehow. Still, the chuckle is a nice sound to hear.
"I don't know." It's the honest answer. She had been so focussed on freeing herself from Mammon she hadn't given any thought of what she would do once she managed it. Nor did she expect the victory to feel so hollow.
"Are you going to try to fix this too?" The teeth. The ears. He has to wonder if she'll show the same determination to right that as she had to free herself from her cursed marriage.
Most likely not, and fine enough considering the relative severity. Still, she'd been changed by magic.
He figures it will probably come down to whether or not she feels like she had control over this.
"You found enough spells the last time. There has to be some charm or enchantment in the books here to fix this as well."
"You said it yourself, the only thing that seems to undo these kinds of changes is redemption."
And that's the normal hell changes -- these were deliberate ones by Mammon. Maybe there are spells that could undo it, she'd certainly look, but a pit in her stomach tells her it probably couldn't.
She doesn't really feel like she kept control in this situation, but her ears and teeth weren't the worst thing to happen from it.
"It's certainly worth looking into, though, just in case. I'd rather try to find a way to save Tech from his clutches -- but that would probably get us all in trouble."
Geralt grunts an affirmative to that. He can't argue with her priorities in that case. Really, it might be character growth for Yennefer to think about rescuing someone else like that.
To be fair, she's saved people before him...or tried at least, but by the time she knew him she was pretty disillusioned, to say the very least. But she does have a heart, much as she tries to ignore it for the sake of self-preservation.
"No. But martyrs never want to be saved."
Says the woman who tried to sacrifice herself in the fight in Sodden....and will again in the future.....
"There may be a bias there. The ones who are saved don't end up martyrs." Not that the saving is always successful. There are times that they all fail. The heroes and the martyrs and all would-be saviors.
Geralt isn't one to appreciate the glamour of the tragedy.
"Speaking from experience? Stopped a few martyrs in your time?"
She doesn't have to ask to know he's at least tried. But trying and succeeding are two very different things, something people as old as them are well aware of.
And she knows Tech's reasons. To save her. And his other friend. He can't die. In stories Gods sacrifice for the sake of their people but stories are full of shit and she's pretty sure if any gods exist in their world, and she doubts they do, they're assholes just like everyone else.
"And if it were your friend who was choosing to be tortured for a month, partly for your sake, you would simply respect that choice?"
Somehow, she doesn't think so. For all of his talk of the Path and the bard's songs about giving him coin she knows coin is not always the main motivation for Geralt. He may seem like another asshole, and sometimes he is, but he also has the capacity to give a shit where most other people wouldn't. Like with her.
"I didn't say I would," Geralt points out levelly. Then, after a pause and a subdued sigh, he adds, "Or that you should. I know you wouldn't listen to me telling you what to do regardless."
The last part is a particular mixture of fond and long suffering.
Which transitions naturally into, "But I do have some experience saving people who don't want to be saved. I can't say I regret doing it, but it can have its consequences."
"It's one of the things you like about me." A beat. "Most of the time." He probably doesn't appreciate her stubbornness to do what she wants right in this moment.
"Well I have to be able to do something. I'll find something."
Tech said she didn't own him but she feels the weight of debt around her neck all the same.
And then after another beat:
"Like entwining your destiny with a witch who doesn't listen to you?"
Edited (i wanted to add something later hours later don't @ me) 2022-06-12 08:10 (UTC)
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cw: allusions to cannabalism
"That's not all there is to the story, I told you, it was complicated." And she could leave it at that but Geralt had to hunt her down, at least she can do is try to give light to why she was hiding in the first place.
"And I wasn't the only one who needed freeing. Tech was friends with one of other brides. So we tried to arrange an agreement for that. Mammon wanted to alter me as much as he saw fit into perpetuity -- another type of ownership. I declined. Then he said I would owe a favor worth the weight of two souls which wasn't much better and I guess Tech knows more about this than I do, considering he offered himself up instead, to be feasted on like he was in the hospital for at least a month."
She stops pacing, the feeling of queasiness returning to her stomach. Tech says she doesn't owe him so why does it still feel like she does. "Before I could try to offer anything else they had signed the contract and all there was to be done was casting the spell. Tech worked as my conduit....and I had gathered all the other components needed but there was still the issue of the blood. That's why he gave me fangs. Asshole pervert wanted me to drink from the source. It was disgusting -- the act -- but the blood itself gave me a high unlike anything I had experienced before, had Tech not been there I might have been willing to stay with Mammon willingly. But I didn't. And now I am free and Tech is packing to be tortured for a month and I shouldn't care, right. Using people is what I do, right? I got what I wanted, you said it yourself."
She turns to face him, violet eyes wet with emotion. Her voice is softer and Geralt knows her well enough to recognize a rare emotion in there: guilt. And regret.
"Except it doesn't feel like what I wanted at all. Even when I realized a clean victory was out of the picture I didn't expect for it to be as bad as it got. I did not want someone I consider a friend to suffer on my behalf."
She knows as well as anyone she isn't worth it.
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He doesn't like it, and she's right. It is more complicated than he guessed. The fact he warned her this wouldn't end well is no comfort.
"Of course it's not what you want, Yen, you're not heartless." She's just impulsive, and stubborn, and blind to the potential consequences of her actions until they're on top of her. All that, he's smart enough to keep to himself.
"Are you all right otherwise?" he asks, focusing instead on the problem. "Physically. Have there been any other changes?"
That, at least, is a practical concern.
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He had warned her yes, but she's not sure she would have been any better if she had held off longer. Mammon had been planning on taking them back after the carnival. She had to try something. It just didn't go the way she wanted, as they so often didn't.
"There are others who might disagree with you on that assessment." That she wasn't heartless, that is.
"Physically, I seem to be fine. There's no....cravings, at least so far. I don't know if that means there never will be. Maybe the demon blood just satiated me for now."
And it's disturbing, not knowing. But this is the choice she made, the one she has to live with.
"My ears didn't change back when the spell broke, but it could be worse."
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Or it might be a sign of just how much of an effect her one foray into vampirism had on her.
In the end, Geralt can only sigh and accept the answer.
"Perhaps the changes are only superficial then." A pause, then he adds, "It's not surprising the ears didn't change. It seems like with some exceptions, the only thing that cures that kind of transformation is redemption."
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It's a little bit of both. The one foray had had quite the effect...but she also knew she needed to be keeping out for signs of things getting worse again. She finally stops pacing and sits on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to her, a silent invitation if he wants to join her.
Not that she blames him if he doesn't.
She snorts a little at his words, her voice rather humorless. "I suppose I should get used to them, then. I think we both know I'm not made for redemption."
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"I'd think that's clear considering this whole stunt. If you're determined, there's not much that will hold you back."
Or maybe the one thing Yennefer can't do is follow the rules.
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"I have been told I'm very stubborn when I want something."
But her words lack the regular bite or humor they have to them. It's hard to feel good about any of it, knowing what Tech agreed to. Is she bad for not trying to stop it? It had been his choice to make....and yet...
She's uncharacteristically quiet for some time before speaking.
"I'm sorry I broke my promise to you. I was shaken up after everything, and afraid of how you might respond, but those aren't good experiences."
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But she does look somehow... breakable.
"I would have helped you. I would have helped you if you brought me with you too."
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"I don't know, I guess I was worried you would be disgusted with me. Or disappointed."
Even if these changes were normal here....he was a monster made to hunt other monsters, and now she is more monstrous. Yennefer would never admit it, but she has felt....very fragile since she left that tunnel. Even if she had her freedom...she was still stuck in this place. And someone she cared about was suffering on her behalf, and she was pretty sure she wasn't worth it. So maybe she had been projecting her feelings about herself onto Geralt -- it wouldn't be the first time.
"I should have trusted you more, maybe things would have turned out differently if I had."
It is not often Yennefer apologizes to anyone and it probably shouldn't take such extreme circumstances for it to happen, but here they were.
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Does that make her monstrous? More than her elfin blood does, or his golden eyes?
"But I'm not disgusted either. You don't have to be worried about that."
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"I know." As in, she knows he's not happy. She won't apologize again, it's not in her nature to do much of that to begin with, let over and over again. He knows she regrets some of the choices she made. Yennefer always sees better in hindsight, is the problem.
But she knows she needs to try to keep being honest with him, as much as she'd rather do anything but talk right now. "I thought I had enough figured out, and when he said he was planning on leaving with us after the carnival -- it felt like there was no turning back."
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"For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here." There's not much point in berating her for what's done.
For him, this might be accepting an apology. "I wouldn't want to risk losing you again."
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Look, she said the words I'm sorry that's all an apology needs, right? Okay, maybe not, but she's not exactly good at this. She's glad he doesn't berate her for it.
she'll get enough of that later from jaskierShe reaches out to grab his hand, though whether it's to reassure himself or her she's not sure.
"And you haven't. I'm still me....just a little different now."
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There's no way to pretend he's not concerned, or not bothered. She's changed already, and it's difficult not to see the slippery slope in this, how one change leads to another and so on.
But he won't abandon her to that fate. If she needs someone to pull her back, who better than Geralt?
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After everything that went down....she's not so sure.
She rests her head on his broad shoulder, for once not seeking anything from him other than closeness. And maybe because she needs to break how fucking bleak it feels a little:
"If I ever see that Tunnel again I'm burning it down."
#Monikawasright
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He huffs then, not entirely ready to let her change the subject.
"So what do we do now."
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No, she didn't think he would let her off the hook that easily, somehow. Still, the chuckle is a nice sound to hear.
"I don't know." It's the honest answer. She had been so focussed on freeing herself from Mammon she hadn't given any thought of what she would do once she managed it. Nor did she expect the victory to feel so hollow.
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Most likely not, and fine enough considering the relative severity. Still, she'd been changed by magic.
He figures it will probably come down to whether or not she feels like she had control over this.
"You found enough spells the last time. There has to be some charm or enchantment in the books here to fix this as well."
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"You said it yourself, the only thing that seems to undo these kinds of changes is redemption."
And that's the normal hell changes -- these were deliberate ones by Mammon. Maybe there are spells that could undo it, she'd certainly look, but a pit in her stomach tells her it probably couldn't.
She doesn't really feel like she kept control in this situation, but her ears and teeth weren't the worst thing to happen from it.
"It's certainly worth looking into, though, just in case. I'd rather try to find a way to save Tech from his clutches -- but that would probably get us all in trouble."
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She has grown some without him, hasn't she?
"Do you think that's what he'd want?"
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To be fair, she's saved people before him...or tried at least, but by the time she knew him she was pretty disillusioned, to say the very least. But she does have a heart, much as she tries to ignore it for the sake of self-preservation.
"No. But martyrs never want to be saved."
Says the woman who tried to sacrifice herself in the fight in Sodden....and will again in the future.....
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Geralt isn't one to appreciate the glamour of the tragedy.
"But he did make his choice for his own reasons."
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"Speaking from experience? Stopped a few martyrs in your time?"
She doesn't have to ask to know he's at least tried. But trying and succeeding are two very different things, something people as old as them are well aware of.
And she knows Tech's reasons. To save her. And his other friend. He can't die. In stories Gods sacrifice for the sake of their people but stories are full of shit and she's pretty sure if any gods exist in their world, and she doubts they do, they're assholes just like everyone else.
"And if it were your friend who was choosing to be tortured for a month, partly for your sake, you would simply respect that choice?"
Somehow, she doesn't think so. For all of his talk of the Path and the bard's songs about giving him coin she knows coin is not always the main motivation for Geralt. He may seem like another asshole, and sometimes he is, but he also has the capacity to give a shit where most other people wouldn't. Like with her.
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The last part is a particular mixture of fond and long suffering.
Which transitions naturally into, "But I do have some experience saving people who don't want to be saved. I can't say I regret doing it, but it can have its consequences."
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"It's one of the things you like about me." A beat. "Most of the time." He probably doesn't appreciate her stubbornness to do what she wants right in this moment.
"Well I have to be able to do something. I'll find something."
Tech said she didn't own him but she feels the weight of debt around her neck all the same.
And then after another beat:
"Like entwining your destiny with a witch who doesn't listen to you?"
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