[He was quite drunk when she found him. Not black-out drunk or even the completely unsteady on his feet levels of drunk, but drunk enough that his mind was dulled and his thoughts were neither all that sharp nor searing bright any longer. It was a pleasant feeling. One that Jaskier sought after repeatedly if the bottles littering the coffee table or the scent of alcohol that was clinging to his skin were any indication. And yet, it was terrible, too. To be like this in their home. Alone in grief and trying desperately to escape it all the while knowing it hasn't gone anywhere because no matter how much alcohol he consumes, it cannot change the facts from what they are. It can only dull his sensitivity to it for a time.]
[Part of Jaskier expected chastisement from her. Yennefer is not altogether that soft or gentle a person, and so, it seems that she ought to scold him for drinking so much. For making a mess and doing very little to clean it or himself up. And maybe she was in her head where Jaskier couldn't hear it. It seemed possible. Seemed likely. But maybe that was unfair. She may not be soft or gentle, Yennefer still has a heart. If anything, perhaps she was bracing herself for another lashing. More harsh words as if Jaskier could somehow construe this as being her fault in an attempt to feel better. But no. No, this is far from Yennefer's fault. And even if there were some way he could have convinced himself it was her doing, Jaskier knew better. He knew it would only lead him to feel worse.]
[So, there was only profuse apologies for his lack of proper presentation both in terms of his manner of dress and appearance—stubble was inching far closer to proper scruff than has ever been usual, and rather than the more intentional and fashionable form of it, he simply was just disheveled—and the mess he made of the living room. Apologies that didn't really seem to land with Yennefer, although Jaskier couldn't tell why exactly. It seemed just as likely to him there was frustration or fury as there was the possibility that Yennefer understood as best she could and genuinely was making an allowance for it just this once as she said. Regardless, she shooed him upstairs to clean himself up once he began trying to gather up his mess, and Jaskier knew better than to argue. If Yennefer said she would handle it, she would handle it.]
[But he didn't shower right away. In fact, he stood outside their bedroom—his bedroom now—simultaneously almost bewildered about where he was (as though actually drunk enough to have forgotten the trek up the stairs and down the hall) and frightened of it. Somehow, it felt off-limits to him. It was as though even opening the door would be an act of trespassing. So, he stood there. He stood there trying to work up the courage to touch the doorknob and open it, staring at the thing and tracing over the little imperfections of the metal. Jaskier doesn't know how long it was, but it felt like an eternity before he could bring himself to do it. The metal was a cold surprise, but the room was not. It was exactly as Jaskier had left it the morning he woke up and discovered Tech was nowhere to be found.]
[Jaskier made the bed as it should have been made days ago. Or rather, he made it as best he could. Jaskier's corners were never as crisp as Tech's and he knew if Tech were here, he'd smile and say Jaskier did a good job while still trying to usher him off to the bathroom so he could fix it without Jaskier seeing and as though Jaskier would have no idea. He braves the closet, trying so hard not to look at Tech's half of it all the while his hand still finds the sleeve of an oversized sweater. He's rooted to the spot as he rubs at the fabric and works up the courage to let go. Just let go.]
[Just...let go.]
[He's still quite drunk when he finds her again, but not drunk enough that his mind still feels dull enough that his thoughts don't merely pass him by unremarkably any longer. He feels them acutely as they come and go with little scrapes that are not yet the deep cuts as left behind as parting gifts. But he also doesn't smell of his drink any longer either and even if he did nothing about his facial hair right now, he's at least in clean, fresh clothes, too. Nor is he alone right now in his grief. It's something at least.]
[Jaskier grabs one of the couch pillows as he settles down, holding it to his chest as he lays down and rests his head in her lap. He stares out at the coffee table and notices almost immediately that the magazines were laid down in the wrong order. Jaskier doesn't make a move toward them to make the adjustment. Yennefer didn't know there was an order to them when she did whatever she did to make this place less of a disaster. And Tech's... Tech's not here to care that they're being left alone and sorted out the "right" way. Jaskier can fix them later.]
[Later. He can fix them later.]
[He closes his eyes. Quietly, he asks,] Are you going to stay?
[Were it anyone else, he might tell her she doesn't have to stay and that he's fine on his own even though he's arguably very much not fine. But it's Yennefer. She's already well aware she doesn't have to do anything. Although because it's Yennefer, the question also feels quite silly to begin with. If she had no intention of staying, she would have likely left while Jaskier was taking forever upstairs. Still, he asks. The answer is still nice to hear.]
(after she finds out about tech's disappearance she gives him space, at least for a while. she needs time to mourn as well, it turns out. she may not have been in love with tech but she had cared very deeply for him, and yennefer does not care for people often. but tech understood her to her core the way few people ever had, and he liked her anyways. he had been a kindred spirit of sorts, someone who had also had to make ugly and hard choices to try to survive, to not lose what made them them.
he had sacrificed a great deal for her sake as well, she cannot forget that either. and maybe that's why she gives jaskier some space as well, she doesn't particularly want to be lashed out at again -- but she also doesn't truly believe he would do that again either. it's just an excuse.
but eventually she makes her way over to the house and it's a mess -- both the place and jaskier. and normally she might really take him to task for looking so terrible....she doesn't have quite the heart to. so she tells him she'll allow this just this once, and then sends him up to shower. meanwhile she begins cleaning up his mess, using her magic to remove bottles and clean up spills where she needs to. she reorganizes the magazines, not knowing they have a special order.
and then she sits down on the couch and when he lies down and puts his head in her lap she begins to idly run her fingers through his hair, as though it might soothe him some.)
I am.
(she doesn't ask if it's okay for her too because it's not in her nature to ask permission and if it wasn't okay she feels like jaskier would have the courage to tell her. or she hopes he would.)
cw: mild description of dissociation due to alcohol use/grief
[The fingers in his hair, of course, do very little to soothe the ache in his heart. But they do feel quite nice all the same. It's gentle in the ways that Yennefer is capable of being but rarely ever is. Or... Well, that's perhaps not all that accurate these days. She seems more and more willing to be so with Jaskier without him ever having to ask it of her. His thumb strokes the fabric of the pillow he's holding idly, holding tempo with her fingers through his hair. It's something to fixate his attention on in the darkness.]
Good, [he hears himself say.]
[Jaskier is still and quiet for long moments after that. Much like how the house has felt in the days after Tech's disappearance and even now when there's another person here with him. But noise wouldn't feel any better. Jaskier already knows from experience that noise does very little to ease something like this. If Yennefer speaks to him at all, Jaskier truthfully doesn't hear any of it.]
[Eventually, after whatever length of time manages to pass—he's not entirely sure if it was mere seconds, if he managed to doze off a little, or if the silence had just stretched on and on—he opens his eyes again, sparing only a glance at the magazines before looking at their reflection in the blackness of the television screen. He tries not to think of it, but the thought still drifts through of all the things they won't be able to watch with one another and it still aches even knowing that Tech's list was so long as to be impossible to ever complete. Still, he looks at the two of them now and he wishes he could be better for her because he knows Yennefer has to be hurting as well. She doesn't have many that she can trust and she trusted Tech just as much as Geralt or even himself. Perhaps in some ways even more. He'd much rather that he was the one offering her comfort instead of taking any of it from her right now.]
He promised he would never leave me behind. He said he would never abandon me.
[Jaskier isn't looking for reassurance in saying that because it's not an accusation that Tech's broken that promise. Jaskier doesn't think he has at all. Tech gave him his word that he would never abandon Jaskier and he said if he ever left without Jaskier, it would never be by his choice. He made so certain that Jaskier knew that. That he could trust he would have nothing to worry about when it came to that. Especially after what happened with Mammon. He made sure Jaskier wasn't left alone when he slipped away into some dark recess of his mind and allowed a past version of himself to take the lead because he remembered him. He made certain that he would remember Jaskier. He never let Jaskier think for a moment that anything that could be hurtful towards him ever really had anything to do with him whether it was Tech retreating into himself or leaving Jaskier's side.]
[But it's that promise that made it hurt so much before when he left on behalf of the brides and part of why it hurts so much now, too. Because it would be easier, in some ways, if he had broken that promise. Then at least Jaskier could be angry. Angry and certainly hurt, but mostly angry. Instead, it's just hurt that's left behind.]
[Jaskier lets go of the pillow with one arm to rest a hand on Yennefer's knee as he looks away from their reflections to somewhere else. He tries so desperately to find a spot that won't just spark thoughts of Tech as near-impossible as it is. He doesn't look to the piano or even his lute nearby and he certainly keeps his gaze away from the mural. Maybe that's why he allowed it to get so cluttered in the end, he thinks. If it was messy, then it wasn't like it ought to be. And there were things to look at that had everything to do with Tech, but didn't at the same time because they were just Jaskier's feelings.]
He was supposed to go home with me, Yennefer. It's what we talked about. He was supposed to leave with us.
(yennefer makes a slight tsking noise, as if she disapproves of tech ever making such a promise to begin with. it's sweet, certainly, but as reality shows them now there was no way to ensure it and the broken promise has only hurt jaskier all the more. she doesn't say that, she knows that wouldn't be helpful and despite popular belief she can exercise tact, when she wants to, but she thinks it all the same.)
I would have liked that.
(tech coming home with them, though he's not sure how well he would survive in their world. but still. he had been like family here. it hurts to have him gone. her fingers continue to stroke through jaskier's hair.)
I miss him too.
(but then she tilts his head up to look up at her, as much as she can from this angle.)
He may be gone but you're not alone and if you tell anyone I said that I'll kill you.
[Who is there to tell? are the mildly bitter words that begin to arise in Jaskier's mind to that. Which isn't really to discount or otherwise discredit Geralt in this particular circumstance. If anything, it's much the opposite as if anyone else here is aware of Yennefer's capacity for something a bit softer, it's most certainly the witcher. But Jaskier just narrowly manages to keep the thought from forming into spoken words because he recognizes they're counterproductive. As honest of a reflection they might be to how he's feeling at present, it's not something Yennefer needs to hear. Not when she's offering this kindness to him without any sort of hesitation (toothless death threats aside) and at a time when Jaskier really wouldn't have faulted her for being harsher with him. It's not as though she isn't in pain of her own over this loss and she certainly doesn't owe him shit. Especially when considering Jaskier is giving in once more to all the things she didn't see in Oxenfurt because by the time she found him, Jaskier managed to find something to ground himself once more.]
[So, Jaskier says nothing of it, offering her a meek and mirthless smile that never reaches his eyes before he looks away.]
The secret's safe with me.
[And yet, even as he does not give voice to his real feelings, Jaskier still cannot help but feel a bit disappointed in himself all the same. For Yennefer to so easily offer this kindness doesn't particularly register as a good thing to him or any sort of reflection of their relationship growing in a positive way. It just feels like...pity. That he should be so thoroughly in his grief that Yennefer doesn't know what else to do, but offer him this kindness. But he can't really do any more than he's already doing right now and neither can she.]
(he may keep from saying the words but she hears the thoughts all the same, mostly because she's poking around in there because she's worried about him. maybe it's an invasion of privacy but if it keeps him safe, than she won't apologize for it. she frowns as she hears the tale end of it.)
I don't pity you, bard. If I did, I probably wouldn't be here. But I miss him too, and I thought at least if we're both hurting, we could hurt a little less with each other. Despite popular belief I am capable of empathy even if I don't often choose to listen to it.
[Jaskier ought to be more offended that she's so blatantly poking around in his mind like that. Most of the time these days when she does and lets it be known she's looked into Jaskier's thoughts, there's a huff or frown followed by a disapproving remark about it. Although most of the time, the remark is half-hearted at best. To his knowledge, Yennefer doesn't tend to look into his thoughts all that often. Not unless she felt it was important, and there's very little denying that Tech's departure is absolutely important.]
[But frankly, Jaskier doesn't have it in him right now to muster that sort of energy to refute her point or scold her for looking into his thoughts. So, the bard remains silent on the matter and is willing to pretend the witch came to this conclusion quite naturally albeit without an explicit preamble.]
I know you are. I know.
[He'd felt it firsthand. Against his will and while in shape perhaps arguably worse than he is now all things considered, but he'd still felt it for himself. And he'd witnessed it more than a few times before and after, too. Sharp and jagged as she was, hurtful as she often was to those around her whether through words or actions, Yennefer's heart beat warm and compassionate beneath it all.]
[The hand on her knee gives it a gentle squeeze and like so much that goes unspoken between them, Jaskier lets that stand as his silent expression of gratitude that he isn't alone because of her and that despite perhaps all her other instincts, Yennefer is still willing to allow her heart to be gentle and soft just for him always when Jaskier seems to need it most.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
backdated to a little after tech's departure; cw: alcoholism
[Part of Jaskier expected chastisement from her. Yennefer is not altogether that soft or gentle a person, and so, it seems that she ought to scold him for drinking so much. For making a mess and doing very little to clean it or himself up. And maybe she was in her head where Jaskier couldn't hear it. It seemed possible. Seemed likely. But maybe that was unfair. She may not be soft or gentle, Yennefer still has a heart. If anything, perhaps she was bracing herself for another lashing. More harsh words as if Jaskier could somehow construe this as being her fault in an attempt to feel better. But no. No, this is far from Yennefer's fault. And even if there were some way he could have convinced himself it was her doing, Jaskier knew better. He knew it would only lead him to feel worse.]
[So, there was only profuse apologies for his lack of proper presentation both in terms of his manner of dress and appearance—stubble was inching far closer to proper scruff than has ever been usual, and rather than the more intentional and fashionable form of it, he simply was just disheveled—and the mess he made of the living room. Apologies that didn't really seem to land with Yennefer, although Jaskier couldn't tell why exactly. It seemed just as likely to him there was frustration or fury as there was the possibility that Yennefer understood as best she could and genuinely was making an allowance for it just this once as she said. Regardless, she shooed him upstairs to clean himself up once he began trying to gather up his mess, and Jaskier knew better than to argue. If Yennefer said she would handle it, she would handle it.]
[But he didn't shower right away. In fact, he stood outside their bedroom—his bedroom now—simultaneously almost bewildered about where he was (as though actually drunk enough to have forgotten the trek up the stairs and down the hall) and frightened of it. Somehow, it felt off-limits to him. It was as though even opening the door would be an act of trespassing. So, he stood there. He stood there trying to work up the courage to touch the doorknob and open it, staring at the thing and tracing over the little imperfections of the metal. Jaskier doesn't know how long it was, but it felt like an eternity before he could bring himself to do it. The metal was a cold surprise, but the room was not. It was exactly as Jaskier had left it the morning he woke up and discovered Tech was nowhere to be found.]
[Jaskier made the bed as it should have been made days ago. Or rather, he made it as best he could. Jaskier's corners were never as crisp as Tech's and he knew if Tech were here, he'd smile and say Jaskier did a good job while still trying to usher him off to the bathroom so he could fix it without Jaskier seeing and as though Jaskier would have no idea. He braves the closet, trying so hard not to look at Tech's half of it all the while his hand still finds the sleeve of an oversized sweater. He's rooted to the spot as he rubs at the fabric and works up the courage to let go. Just let go.]
[Just...let go.]
[He's still quite drunk when he finds her again, but not drunk enough that his mind still feels dull enough that his thoughts don't merely pass him by unremarkably any longer. He feels them acutely as they come and go with little scrapes that are not yet the deep cuts as left behind as parting gifts. But he also doesn't smell of his drink any longer either and even if he did nothing about his facial hair right now, he's at least in clean, fresh clothes, too. Nor is he alone right now in his grief. It's something at least.]
[Jaskier grabs one of the couch pillows as he settles down, holding it to his chest as he lays down and rests his head in her lap. He stares out at the coffee table and notices almost immediately that the magazines were laid down in the wrong order. Jaskier doesn't make a move toward them to make the adjustment. Yennefer didn't know there was an order to them when she did whatever she did to make this place less of a disaster. And Tech's... Tech's not here to care that they're being left alone and sorted out the "right" way. Jaskier can fix them later.]
[Later. He can fix them later.]
[He closes his eyes. Quietly, he asks,] Are you going to stay?
[Were it anyone else, he might tell her she doesn't have to stay and that he's fine on his own even though he's arguably very much not fine. But it's Yennefer. She's already well aware she doesn't have to do anything. Although because it's Yennefer, the question also feels quite silly to begin with. If she had no intention of staying, she would have likely left while Jaskier was taking forever upstairs. Still, he asks. The answer is still nice to hear.]
no subject
(after she finds out about tech's disappearance she gives him space, at least for a while. she needs time to mourn as well, it turns out. she may not have been in love with tech but she had cared very deeply for him, and yennefer does not care for people often. but tech understood her to her core the way few people ever had, and he liked her anyways. he had been a kindred spirit of sorts, someone who had also had to make ugly and hard choices to try to survive, to not lose what made them them.
he had sacrificed a great deal for her sake as well, she cannot forget that either. and maybe that's why she gives jaskier some space as well, she doesn't particularly want to be lashed out at again -- but she also doesn't truly believe he would do that again either. it's just an excuse.
but eventually she makes her way over to the house and it's a mess -- both the place and jaskier. and normally she might really take him to task for looking so terrible....she doesn't have quite the heart to. so she tells him she'll allow this just this once, and then sends him up to shower. meanwhile she begins cleaning up his mess, using her magic to remove bottles and clean up spills where she needs to. she reorganizes the magazines, not knowing they have a special order.
and then she sits down on the couch and when he lies down and puts his head in her lap she begins to idly run her fingers through his hair, as though it might soothe him some.)
I am.
(she doesn't ask if it's okay for her too because it's not in her nature to ask permission and if it wasn't okay she feels like jaskier would have the courage to tell her. or she hopes he would.)
cw: mild description of dissociation due to alcohol use/grief
Good, [he hears himself say.]
[Jaskier is still and quiet for long moments after that. Much like how the house has felt in the days after Tech's disappearance and even now when there's another person here with him. But noise wouldn't feel any better. Jaskier already knows from experience that noise does very little to ease something like this. If Yennefer speaks to him at all, Jaskier truthfully doesn't hear any of it.]
[Eventually, after whatever length of time manages to pass—he's not entirely sure if it was mere seconds, if he managed to doze off a little, or if the silence had just stretched on and on—he opens his eyes again, sparing only a glance at the magazines before looking at their reflection in the blackness of the television screen. He tries not to think of it, but the thought still drifts through of all the things they won't be able to watch with one another and it still aches even knowing that Tech's list was so long as to be impossible to ever complete. Still, he looks at the two of them now and he wishes he could be better for her because he knows Yennefer has to be hurting as well. She doesn't have many that she can trust and she trusted Tech just as much as Geralt or even himself. Perhaps in some ways even more. He'd much rather that he was the one offering her comfort instead of taking any of it from her right now.]
He promised he would never leave me behind. He said he would never abandon me.
[Jaskier isn't looking for reassurance in saying that because it's not an accusation that Tech's broken that promise. Jaskier doesn't think he has at all. Tech gave him his word that he would never abandon Jaskier and he said if he ever left without Jaskier, it would never be by his choice. He made so certain that Jaskier knew that. That he could trust he would have nothing to worry about when it came to that. Especially after what happened with Mammon. He made sure Jaskier wasn't left alone when he slipped away into some dark recess of his mind and allowed a past version of himself to take the lead because he remembered him. He made certain that he would remember Jaskier. He never let Jaskier think for a moment that anything that could be hurtful towards him ever really had anything to do with him whether it was Tech retreating into himself or leaving Jaskier's side.]
[But it's that promise that made it hurt so much before when he left on behalf of the brides and part of why it hurts so much now, too. Because it would be easier, in some ways, if he had broken that promise. Then at least Jaskier could be angry. Angry and certainly hurt, but mostly angry. Instead, it's just hurt that's left behind.]
[Jaskier lets go of the pillow with one arm to rest a hand on Yennefer's knee as he looks away from their reflections to somewhere else. He tries so desperately to find a spot that won't just spark thoughts of Tech as near-impossible as it is. He doesn't look to the piano or even his lute nearby and he certainly keeps his gaze away from the mural. Maybe that's why he allowed it to get so cluttered in the end, he thinks. If it was messy, then it wasn't like it ought to be. And there were things to look at that had everything to do with Tech, but didn't at the same time because they were just Jaskier's feelings.]
He was supposed to go home with me, Yennefer. It's what we talked about. He was supposed to leave with us.
no subject
(yennefer makes a slight tsking noise, as if she disapproves of tech ever making such a promise to begin with. it's sweet, certainly, but as reality shows them now there was no way to ensure it and the broken promise has only hurt jaskier all the more. she doesn't say that, she knows that wouldn't be helpful and despite popular belief she can exercise tact, when she wants to, but she thinks it all the same.)
I would have liked that.
(tech coming home with them, though he's not sure how well he would survive in their world. but still. he had been like family here. it hurts to have him gone. her fingers continue to stroke through jaskier's hair.)
I miss him too.
(but then she tilts his head up to look up at her, as much as she can from this angle.)
He may be gone but you're not alone and if you tell anyone I said that I'll kill you.
no subject
[So, Jaskier says nothing of it, offering her a meek and mirthless smile that never reaches his eyes before he looks away.]
The secret's safe with me.
[And yet, even as he does not give voice to his real feelings, Jaskier still cannot help but feel a bit disappointed in himself all the same. For Yennefer to so easily offer this kindness doesn't particularly register as a good thing to him or any sort of reflection of their relationship growing in a positive way. It just feels like...pity. That he should be so thoroughly in his grief that Yennefer doesn't know what else to do, but offer him this kindness. But he can't really do any more than he's already doing right now and neither can she.]
no subject
(he may keep from saying the words but she hears the thoughts all the same, mostly because she's poking around in there because she's worried about him. maybe it's an invasion of privacy but if it keeps him safe, than she won't apologize for it. she frowns as she hears the tale end of it.)
I don't pity you, bard. If I did, I probably wouldn't be here. But I miss him too, and I thought at least if we're both hurting, we could hurt a little less with each other. Despite popular belief I am capable of empathy even if I don't often choose to listen to it.
capping this off for us
[But frankly, Jaskier doesn't have it in him right now to muster that sort of energy to refute her point or scold her for looking into his thoughts. So, the bard remains silent on the matter and is willing to pretend the witch came to this conclusion quite naturally albeit without an explicit preamble.]
I know you are. I know.
[He'd felt it firsthand. Against his will and while in shape perhaps arguably worse than he is now all things considered, but he'd still felt it for himself. And he'd witnessed it more than a few times before and after, too. Sharp and jagged as she was, hurtful as she often was to those around her whether through words or actions, Yennefer's heart beat warm and compassionate beneath it all.]
[The hand on her knee gives it a gentle squeeze and like so much that goes unspoken between them, Jaskier lets that stand as his silent expression of gratitude that he isn't alone because of her and that despite perhaps all her other instincts, Yennefer is still willing to allow her heart to be gentle and soft just for him always when Jaskier seems to need it most.]