At least I got one thing about you right, yeah? [He looks down the hallway a moment in the direction of his suite, likely making it seem as though he might wander his way down there. It would perhaps be the wiser, kinder thing to do to leave things with Yennefer here. It's not as though she can't piece together how angry he is with just this sampling being such a sharp contrast to his usual temperament. But he's feeling neither wise nor kind, and he turns his head back toward her.] These past few days, I've been trying to work it out. Trying to figure out when exactly I lost my fucking mind, [he says, tapping a finger against his temple,] and stopped seeing you for who you really are. [His hand lowers again just briefly before he's gesturing with both as he speaks.] You do one kind thing— And no, that wasn't even it, was it? It wasn't kindness. You still needed your leverage since the Spear was an absolute failure and barring that, you needed your witcher to save your sorry arse. But the witcher goes nowhere without the bard, right? Least that's what you told me. But I've been thinking and I don't think it's that at all. No, I think the issue is no bard, no god of technology. He loves me more than he likes you, after all.
[At least that's what Jaskier thought. What he believed. But now with Tech gone, off paying a price that should have never fallen to him, and Jaskier steadily finding himself at the bottom of another bottle, the belief feels a little shaken. It feels like history repeating itself just with a lot less shit being thrown at Jaskier's feet as being his fault. But Jaskier doesn't want to say that out loud and give her the satisfaction that once again, someone Jaskier loves chose her over him. And even if he wanted to chance her satisfaction, he doesn't think the words could have come out clean. They feel too sad and soft for how he wants to feel right now.]
Regardless, I did all the work for you, didn't I? I was the one who chose to see the kindness that wasn't there and deluded myself into thinking you weren't such a selfish harpy anymore. That there was someone worth giving a shit about, worth protecting. [Jaskier scoffs bitterly about to take another drink of liquor before he stops himself.] I suppose I should be grateful you don't see much use for me other than getting to others, or gods know I'd probably be on that boat with Tech right now. Since as long as it means you get what you want, fuck everyone else, yeah? Wasn't all that long ago you would have slit my throat for your own gain.
(here's the thing, yennefer wasn't even thinking of tech's request to keep an eye on jaskier when she saved him in the hospital. she just saw how much he was suffering and it didn't feel right. she knew geralt could wait, that he was made for endurance more. it was an easy decision to make. )
I understand you are upset Jaskier, but I will not let you make me the villain of this story just because you need me to be. Because it's easier to be angry at me, isn't it? It always has been for you.
(easier then being angry at geralt or tech. safer. but as guilty as she might feel about everything she will not be a martyr who falls on the sword so that he might have a moment of satisfaction -- and it probably wouldn't even give him that. she suspects it wouldn't. and he is not the first man in her life to judge her for choices.
we both chose the things we love, i'm sorry you chose power)
And I didn't ask Tech to make that idiotic sacrifice, to make sure the others were saved too. I would not have, it's not worth the price to me. Using strangers, as you were when we first met? I won't pretend to be above that. But I do try not to use my friends and foolishly part of me thought maybe we were becoming that.
(she won't mention how when she was working on a potion earlier and realized he wasn't there to hand her something it had stung. it had hurt. it had been an unexpected wound, one that feels like it's bleeding out now.)
But maybe you were the one acting. Pretending to be helpful to keep an eye on me for the people who you actually care about. Tell yourself whatever you want, Jaskier, but I am not heartless. It would be so much easier if I was.
[Later when Jaskier has time to cool down and sober up, he'll know that most of what Yennefer is saying is true. It is easier to be angry with her. In nearly every circumstance, it's easier and he latches onto it quickly because it's so much easier. It never sticks, of course. Even when he was sliding and stumbling his way down the mountain, Jaskier's anger towards Yennefer was entirely short-lived. He didn't even make it a quarter of the way down before he recognized he was being unfair and let it go. But it's where he went instinctively before anything could ever be directed at Geralt.]
[And she's right. She didn't make the choice. It wasn't even one that she would have made. Tech did.]
[But he isn't clear enough of his anger or liquor to think that fairly right now. Never mind when it feels that everything is currently so unfair, why should she know any fairness? So, instead, Jaskier bristles for just a brief moment at the accusation that he was playing her for a fool. That any amount of kindness he's demonstrated over the past few months has been insincere, disingenuous, and underhanded. Because despite himself, despite all the ways in which he's not being exactly fair or kind to her to begin with, Jaskier isn't like Yennefer. He doesn't have the ability to mask how he feels and disguise the fact that it stings to have his friendship thrown back at him like that. Especially not after all the secrets he's kept for her sake and no one else's. Not after all this time of trying so fucking hard to maintain some sort of status quo for her comfort. Trying to find some way to make himself useful to her and do as she asks and needs. It just ends up feeling like one more kick in the teeth coupled with the loss of Tech. Although his anger doesn't leave, it quiets at that. Jaskier swallows thickly before next he speaks.]
He did it for you. [He is voice isn't raised. In fact, Jaskier speaks in a low, firm tone of voice. Almost monotone for him. Jaskier's jaw tenses a moment before he continues,] And if you don't believe that and think he did this for the two other brides, then... [Jaskier shakes his head a little with a soft scoff.] Then you sure as fuck don't deserve his friendship any more than you deserve mine, you vile, remorseless hag.
But you needn't worry, Yennefer, [he says, taking a step back from the doorway,] because you might not be heartless, but... [Jaskier purses his lips so much that they quiver a moment.] Everyone but you burns. And you carry on as if you have no responsibility, no hand in any of it. You owe them nothing regardless of what they do for you, isn't that right?
[He looks down the hall as he takes another drink from the bottle in his hand.]
No one should love you, and yet they always do. They love you more than anything and it's nothing to you. [Jaskier looks at her again as he circles back around to why she doesn't need to worry.] So, I'm done. I won't darken your door again.
(it would be so much easier if it all meant nothing to her. that she truly only cared for herself as so many have liked to claim. yes, she has prioritized herself many times and she won't apologize for it -- because her life has been many, many things but fair has never been one of them. it wasn't fair when her father sold her for four marks to aretuza. it wasn't fair that she was going to be shipped off to nilfgaard because of her elven heritage. it wasn't fair that her first love betrayed her. it wasn't fair that she had to give up her choice to have children or not before she knew what it meant in order to wield chaos. it wasn't fair that when she finally began to open up her heart again it was tied up in a wish she never asked for. life isn't fair. it just is. you lived, you survived, you died. she had been ready to die during the battle in sodden, but she ended up here instead. she has a whole future waiting for her back home that she's pretty sure she doesn't want.
she's been called many things in her long life -- vile, remorseless hag probably doesn't even hit the top ten of insults. no, it's not the namecalling that pushes her over the edge. because she knows, deep down in her bones, he's right. she doesn't deserve geralt's support or tech's sacrifice. and that is when she reaches her breaking point, her hand coming up to slap him across the face. he's obviously drunk and hurting and it's the only thing keeping his balls intact, currently. but she will not be his punching bag. (even if he's right). it's also the choice in words. everyone around you burns. sometimes when she closes her eyes all she can still smell is the sulfar and fire -- not of here, but of sodden. of the choice tissaia had pushed her to make, the only chance at saving the mages who were left.)
You do not get to decide how I feel or survive in the world, bard, just so I can fit some convenient narrative. And if you think I was the only reason he made the choice he did, you are not giving him enough credit. (okay so neither she nor tech particularly cared about mordecai but she knows saving wuxian was important to him too.)
[Jaskier's head jerks to the side from the force of her slap and he has to catch himself a little to stay upright. The alcohol already has his sense of balance off as it is, and the sudden motion of his head does not make matters any better for him. But he catches and steadies himself. Within seconds, the outline of her hand is easily visible on his cheek and Jaskier has to work his jaw a moment, trying to shrug off the soreness.]
He may have been willing to help his friend and I'm sure that played a part in it, but that's not why he made the deal with Mammon. If it was about his friend or the other bride, he would have allowed that favor to hang over your head until Mammon came to collect. But he's a good man. A really fucking good one. [Jaskier brings his gaze back to Yennefer.] He traded himself for your freedom. He broke his promise to me for you. So, you don't get to do that, Yennefer. You don't— Fuck.
[His voice hitches and Jaskier looks away from her again, blinking against the burning sensation just behind his eyes because it's the first time he's said it out loud. Oh, he thought it. He thought and felt it, and the look in Tech's eyes told him Tech knew he was breaking his promise to Jaskier about being there. About Jaskier not having to piece himself back together after the mares, after that fucking mage, by himself. But he's going to have to because no one else knows and he's not about to put that shit on anyone else. Not when he didn't even want Tech to know in the first place, let alone be witness to it. And acknowledging it out loud with words makes it sink in, heavy and sharp, and for a moment, it almost feels like he can't breathe. He draws a harsh breath in and out through his nose, as he traces a few brief circles along his fingertips with his thumb before shaking his hand out lightly. He's silent a moment longer before he turns to her, opens his mouth to say something and then decides against it. Jaskier's mouth closes as he shakes his head, backing away from her towards his room.]
(yennefer clenches her jaw at his words, but this time she doesn't argue, because on some level -- isn't he right? tech could have let her have that favor looming over her head but he had insisted it was better this way, all debts wiped clean. except she still feels like she owes someone -- but better to owe tech than mammon.
she watches him carefully. she notices the way he can barely keep himself together and if circumstances were different she might comment on it, but he doesn't want her words right now, let alone her comfort, and if she's being honest? she's not sure she's feeling big enough to offer them. so instead she watches as he makes his way back towards him room. she makes sure he gets in safely before closing the door behind her. the hollowness in her chest isn't new, but it feels stronger than usual.
just when did she get attached to the magpie anyways? it doesn't matter. it's done. at least for now. maybe she'll send a message to geralt, tell him to check up on the bard but right now she's not feeling so charitable. so instead she heads back to her room to ruminate. that always ends well.)
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At least I got one thing about you right, yeah? [He looks down the hallway a moment in the direction of his suite, likely making it seem as though he might wander his way down there. It would perhaps be the wiser, kinder thing to do to leave things with Yennefer here. It's not as though she can't piece together how angry he is with just this sampling being such a sharp contrast to his usual temperament. But he's feeling neither wise nor kind, and he turns his head back toward her.] These past few days, I've been trying to work it out. Trying to figure out when exactly I lost my fucking mind, [he says, tapping a finger against his temple,] and stopped seeing you for who you really are. [His hand lowers again just briefly before he's gesturing with both as he speaks.] You do one kind thing— And no, that wasn't even it, was it? It wasn't kindness. You still needed your leverage since the Spear was an absolute failure and barring that, you needed your witcher to save your sorry arse. But the witcher goes nowhere without the bard, right? Least that's what you told me. But I've been thinking and I don't think it's that at all. No, I think the issue is no bard, no god of technology. He loves me more than he likes you, after all.
[At least that's what Jaskier thought. What he believed. But now with Tech gone, off paying a price that should have never fallen to him, and Jaskier steadily finding himself at the bottom of another bottle, the belief feels a little shaken. It feels like history repeating itself just with a lot less shit being thrown at Jaskier's feet as being his fault. But Jaskier doesn't want to say that out loud and give her the satisfaction that once again, someone Jaskier loves chose her over him. And even if he wanted to chance her satisfaction, he doesn't think the words could have come out clean. They feel too sad and soft for how he wants to feel right now.]
Regardless, I did all the work for you, didn't I? I was the one who chose to see the kindness that wasn't there and deluded myself into thinking you weren't such a selfish harpy anymore. That there was someone worth giving a shit about, worth protecting. [Jaskier scoffs bitterly about to take another drink of liquor before he stops himself.] I suppose I should be grateful you don't see much use for me other than getting to others, or gods know I'd probably be on that boat with Tech right now. Since as long as it means you get what you want, fuck everyone else, yeah? Wasn't all that long ago you would have slit my throat for your own gain.
no subject
(here's the thing, yennefer wasn't even thinking of tech's request to keep an eye on jaskier when she saved him in the hospital. she just saw how much he was suffering and it didn't feel right. she knew geralt could wait, that he was made for endurance more. it was an easy decision to make. )
I understand you are upset Jaskier, but I will not let you make me the villain of this story just because you need me to be. Because it's easier to be angry at me, isn't it? It always has been for you.
(easier then being angry at geralt or tech. safer. but as guilty as she might feel about everything she will not be a martyr who falls on the sword so that he might have a moment of satisfaction -- and it probably wouldn't even give him that. she suspects it wouldn't. and he is not the first man in her life to judge her for choices.
we both chose the things we love, i'm sorry you chose power)
And I didn't ask Tech to make that idiotic sacrifice, to make sure the others were saved too. I would not have, it's not worth the price to me. Using strangers, as you were when we first met? I won't pretend to be above that. But I do try not to use my friends and foolishly part of me thought maybe we were becoming that.
(she won't mention how when she was working on a potion earlier and realized he wasn't there to hand her something it had stung. it had hurt. it had been an unexpected wound, one that feels like it's bleeding out now.)
But maybe you were the one acting. Pretending to be helpful to keep an eye on me for the people who you actually care about. Tell yourself whatever you want, Jaskier, but I am not heartless. It would be so much easier if I was.
no subject
[And she's right. She didn't make the choice. It wasn't even one that she would have made. Tech did.]
[But he isn't clear enough of his anger or liquor to think that fairly right now. Never mind when it feels that everything is currently so unfair, why should she know any fairness? So, instead, Jaskier bristles for just a brief moment at the accusation that he was playing her for a fool. That any amount of kindness he's demonstrated over the past few months has been insincere, disingenuous, and underhanded. Because despite himself, despite all the ways in which he's not being exactly fair or kind to her to begin with, Jaskier isn't like Yennefer. He doesn't have the ability to mask how he feels and disguise the fact that it stings to have his friendship thrown back at him like that. Especially not after all the secrets he's kept for her sake and no one else's. Not after all this time of trying so fucking hard to maintain some sort of status quo for her comfort. Trying to find some way to make himself useful to her and do as she asks and needs. It just ends up feeling like one more kick in the teeth coupled with the loss of Tech. Although his anger doesn't leave, it quiets at that. Jaskier swallows thickly before next he speaks.]
He did it for you. [He is voice isn't raised. In fact, Jaskier speaks in a low, firm tone of voice. Almost monotone for him. Jaskier's jaw tenses a moment before he continues,] And if you don't believe that and think he did this for the two other brides, then... [Jaskier shakes his head a little with a soft scoff.] Then you sure as fuck don't deserve his friendship any more than you deserve mine, you vile, remorseless hag.
But you needn't worry, Yennefer, [he says, taking a step back from the doorway,] because you might not be heartless, but... [Jaskier purses his lips so much that they quiver a moment.] Everyone but you burns. And you carry on as if you have no responsibility, no hand in any of it. You owe them nothing regardless of what they do for you, isn't that right?
[He looks down the hall as he takes another drink from the bottle in his hand.]
No one should love you, and yet they always do. They love you more than anything and it's nothing to you. [Jaskier looks at her again as he circles back around to why she doesn't need to worry.] So, I'm done. I won't darken your door again.
no subject
(it would be so much easier if it all meant nothing to her. that she truly only cared for herself as so many have liked to claim. yes, she has prioritized herself many times and she won't apologize for it -- because her life has been many, many things but fair has never been one of them. it wasn't fair when her father sold her for four marks to aretuza. it wasn't fair that she was going to be shipped off to nilfgaard because of her elven heritage. it wasn't fair that her first love betrayed her. it wasn't fair that she had to give up her choice to have children or not before she knew what it meant in order to wield chaos. it wasn't fair that when she finally began to open up her heart again it was tied up in a wish she never asked for. life isn't fair. it just is. you lived, you survived, you died. she had been ready to die during the battle in sodden, but she ended up here instead. she has a whole future waiting for her back home that she's pretty sure she doesn't want.
she's been called many things in her long life -- vile, remorseless hag probably doesn't even hit the top ten of insults. no, it's not the namecalling that pushes her over the edge. because she knows, deep down in her bones, he's right. she doesn't deserve geralt's support or tech's sacrifice. and that is when she reaches her breaking point, her hand coming up to slap him across the face. he's obviously drunk and hurting and it's the only thing keeping his balls intact, currently. but she will not be his punching bag. (even if he's right). it's also the choice in words. everyone around you burns. sometimes when she closes her eyes all she can still smell is the sulfar and fire -- not of here, but of sodden. of the choice tissaia had pushed her to make, the only chance at saving the mages who were left.)
You do not get to decide how I feel or survive in the world, bard, just so I can fit some convenient narrative. And if you think I was the only reason he made the choice he did, you are not giving him enough credit. (okay so neither she nor tech particularly cared about mordecai but she knows saving wuxian was important to him too.)
no subject
He may have been willing to help his friend and I'm sure that played a part in it, but that's not why he made the deal with Mammon. If it was about his friend or the other bride, he would have allowed that favor to hang over your head until Mammon came to collect. But he's a good man. A really fucking good one. [Jaskier brings his gaze back to Yennefer.] He traded himself for your freedom. He broke his promise to me for you. So, you don't get to do that, Yennefer. You don't— Fuck.
[His voice hitches and Jaskier looks away from her again, blinking against the burning sensation just behind his eyes because it's the first time he's said it out loud. Oh, he thought it. He thought and felt it, and the look in Tech's eyes told him Tech knew he was breaking his promise to Jaskier about being there. About Jaskier not having to piece himself back together after the mares, after that fucking mage, by himself. But he's going to have to because no one else knows and he's not about to put that shit on anyone else. Not when he didn't even want Tech to know in the first place, let alone be witness to it. And acknowledging it out loud with words makes it sink in, heavy and sharp, and for a moment, it almost feels like he can't breathe. He draws a harsh breath in and out through his nose, as he traces a few brief circles along his fingertips with his thumb before shaking his hand out lightly. He's silent a moment longer before he turns to her, opens his mouth to say something and then decides against it. Jaskier's mouth closes as he shakes his head, backing away from her towards his room.]
no subject
(yennefer clenches her jaw at his words, but this time she doesn't argue, because on some level -- isn't he right? tech could have let her have that favor looming over her head but he had insisted it was better this way, all debts wiped clean. except she still feels like she owes someone -- but better to owe tech than mammon.
she watches him carefully. she notices the way he can barely keep himself together and if circumstances were different she might comment on it, but he doesn't want her words right now, let alone her comfort, and if she's being honest? she's not sure she's feeling big enough to offer them. so instead she watches as he makes his way back towards him room. she makes sure he gets in safely before closing the door behind her. the hollowness in her chest isn't new, but it feels stronger than usual.
just when did she get attached to the magpie anyways? it doesn't matter. it's done. at least for now. maybe she'll send a message to geralt, tell him to check up on the bard but right now she's not feeling so charitable. so instead she heads back to her room to ruminate. that always ends well.)